Cards Against Mobians
by The Dragon Legend
Summary: Just a friendly card game is all. Nothing to see here.
1. Chapter 1

**Okay so, over a year ago I found a story about the Sonic characters playing Cards Against Humanity and I liked it. But then I guess the author abandoned it because it was never updated again. So I decided "Fuck it, I'll do it myself" and here we are. Enjoy!**

 **I do not own the Sonic character or the game Cards Against Humanity**

Cards Against Mobians

The interdimensional train pulled out of the station, bearing its passengers towards the site of the interdimensional Olympics, where they would compete against the denizens of the Mushroom Kingdom. There was an air of general excitement aboard as everyone settled into their seats, chatting amicably about the upcoming games.

But it was a lengthy train ride, and it wasn't long before everyone was looking for something to occupy themselves with.

"Hey guys! You wanna play this new game? It came in my pile of fan mail." Sonic held up a black box with the words "Cards Against Mobians: a party game for horrible people" written in white on it.

"What kind of game is that?" Knuckles asked.

"I think it's a modified game of Cards Against Humanity." Sonic explained.

Rouge squealed with delight. "I love that game! We gotta play it!" She began tugging on Shadow's arm, pulling him out of the thick book he had buried himself in.

"No, we don't." Shadow protested grumpily.

"Come on, this game is fun!" She insisted.

"Haven't you learned by now, Rouge? Shadow hates fun." Sonic snarked.

"Wait a minute, I've heard of the game before. Isn't this the game that's all about insulting people or something?" Eggman asked.

Shadow reconsidered. "Okay, I'm in."

"If Sonic's playing, I'm playing!" Amy declared.

"I'll play. I'm curious about this game." Silver added. "The only card game I've ever played before was Solitaire."

"I wanna play too!" Tails exclaimed.

"Sorry buddy, but you're too young for this game." Sonic replied.

"What?"

"You heard it true. Actually, I'm not sure Amy's old enough either."

"I'm plenty old enough!" Amy insisted, stamping her foot.

"Alright, but don't blame me if you end up scarred for life. Now come on, let's go to a more comfortable local."

Leaving Tails behind to pout, Sonic, Shadow, Rouge, Knuckles, Silver, Amy, and Eggman all went to the dining car and secured a table.

"Now, I'm guessing most of you don't know the rules?" Sonic got several nods in response. "Don't worry, it's easy. There are two types of cards, question cards and answer cards. Everyone gets seven answer cards." Sonic dealt out the cards. "Go ahead and look at them, but don't show anyone else."

Rouge was already giggling, looking at her cards.

Silver looked at his cards and shouted, "What kind of sick game is this!?"

Rouge giggled harder. "Sounds like you have some good cards, Silver."

"Nothing about these cards is good!"

"Let's just start already." Shadow said impatiently.

Sonic continued his explanation. "Now we each get a turn at being the judge. I'll go first so you guys can see. I draw a question card from the stack and read it to you." Sonic drew a card. " **What is Eggman's secret hobby?** "

"Secret hobby? I don't have a secret hobby!"

"It's just a game, Egghead, don't worry about it. Now everyone, pick a card from your hand to answer the question with, then draw another so that you always have seven."

"I don't have any good cards." Rouge pouted. "I'll go with that one." She placed a card face down in front of Sonic. Everyone else followed her lead.

Sonic picked them up with a grin. "Eggman's secret hobby is… **Ribbon dancing.** "

Everyone took a second to process that before breaking out in laughter.

"You do not have the body for that. Find a new hobby." Shadow advised.

"I do not ribbon dance!"

"And you shouldn't."

Sonic read the next answer. " **Using a formula one race car to chase hedgehogs.** "

"Well that's not a secret." Rouge pointed out.

"At least this one's more accurate." Eggman muttered.

" **The morbidly obese.** I guess this one was yours Rouge?"

"It works! He's fat!"

"Hey!"

" **Active listening.** "

"You do a real good job of keeping that one secret." Amy giggled.

" **Eating the last know bison.** "

"That seems like something you would do." Silver observed.

"I don't eat bison."

Sonic looked at the last card and immediately broke out laughing. "Eggman's secret hobby is **Still being a virgin**!"

This brought howls of laughter around the table. Eggman turned bright red.

"That is not a hobby!"

"So you admit it!" Sonic crowed.

"No!"

"Okay, okay. Now as judge, I decide which answer was the best and it was this one. Who played it?"

Silver slowly raised his hand.

Sonic handed him the question card. "Here! Whoever has the most of these at the end, wins. Everyone get it now?"

They responded with nods, still chuckling at Silver's play.

Knuckles drew the next card. " **Shadow, the Ultimate _.** "

Everyone picked a card and placed it before Knuckles.

Knuckles picked up the first one and read, " **Shadow, the Ultimate magic talking sword**."

This brought a lukewarm reaction.

" **The Ultimate asymmetric boob job.** "

Sonic busted a gut at that one.

"That doesn't even make any sense." Shadow said in what appeared to be genuine confusion.

" **The Ultimate middle-aged man on roller skates.** "

"You gotta admit, that one's pretty accurate." Rouge gasped between gales of laughter.

"How so?" Shadow challenged.

"Well…" Rouge began. "You're male, you're in your late fifties chronologically, and the way you move in those jet shoes is very similar to skating."

"That's a stretch."

"Whatever you say, hun."

" **The Ultimate Dorito breath.** "

"What, did you forget to bush your teeth this morning?" Sonic jokingly asked.

Shadow growled at him.

" **The Ultimate terrorists**. Now that one's definitely true."

"Only twice! And then I saved you all!"

" **The Ultimate balls.** "

Laughter enveloped the table again.

"Well, Rouge? Are they?" Sonic asked.

"Oh, yes!" Rouge answered breathily and directed a mock dreamy eyed look at Shadow, who facepalmed.

When everyone calmed down, Knuckles made his choice.

"Ultimate terrorists wins."

"Yay!" Sonic claimed his prize. "But honestly, I would have given it to ultimate balls."

Rouge was next. " **Why can't I sleep at night?** "

Everyone handed over their chosen answers. Silver seemed to be stuck between two cards.

"Sometime today, Silver!" Sonic complained.

"Alright, I'll go with… this one."

Rouge gathered the cards and read aloud, "I can't sleep at night because of **fingering.** " No one laughed, so she shrugged and moved on. "I can't sleep at night because of **Sonic.** "

"Is he the one doing the fingering?" Shadow asked.

This brought few giggles. Amy glared at Sonic.

"Why are you looking at me like I actually did it?"

"I can't sleep at night because of **Shadow.** "

Silver said solemnly, "Sonic, I think Rouge is cheating on you."

"She never could be trusted." Knuckles added.

"You too Knuckles? But you don't even have fingers!" Silver exclaimed.

"I can't sleep at night because of **water levels.** "

"Well, that's definitely the reason Sonic can't sleep at night." Knuckles snarked.

"I can't sleep at night because of **Knuckles on steroids**."

Sonic nudged Knuckles. "Is that your plan to win back Rouge?"

Knuckles shoved him out of his seat.

"This one wins by a mile!" Rouge declared, holding up the last card.

"What's it say?" Sonic asked excitedly as he got back up.

"I can't sleep at night because of **seeing Eggman naked**!"

Laughter rocked the dining car as Silver accepted his prize.

"I told you, you had good cards!"

Eggman sputtered helplessly.

It took quite some time for everyone to stop laughing. Even Shadow chuckled a little, before picking up the next question card.

" **Eggman plans to defeat Sonic using the power of _.** "

Silver again had a hard time choosing, but eventually his card joined the others.

"Taking your time again huh? You must have another good card." Rouge grinned.

" **Eggman plans to defeat Sonic using the power of the DAMN forth Chaos Emerald.** "

Sonic rolled his eyes. "Super original plan there Eggman."

"But it's not just any Chaos Emerald! It's the DAMN forth one!" Rouge explained.

"He plans to use the power of **Amy's hammer**."

Eggman was about to call that a stupid plan, but then thought about it a bit more. He didn't fully understand how Amy's hammer worked. Perhaps it was an idea worth exploring.

"He plans to use the power of **a round house kick to the head.** "

"Gonna go with Shadow's technique, huh?" Knuckles asked.

"I can confirm that it's effective." Silver put in.

Shadow smirked and went on. "He plans to use the power of **50,000 volts straight to the nipples.** "

"That just sound like another one of Eggman's secret hobbies." Rouge commented.

Eggman crossed his arms. "I'm going to ignore that."

"He plans to use the power of **unfathomable stupidity.** That sounds about right."

Everyone else broke into fresh peals of laughter.

"He plans to use the power of **the Boy Scouts of America.** "

"I want to know the details of that plan." Amy wondered. "Is Eggman going to start his own scout troop?"

"Yeah and have them work toward their oversize moustache merit badges?" Sonic added.

"I'm going with **unfathomable stupidity** , because no matter what your plan is, it always involves this." Shadow decided.

Rouge smiled proudly and took the card.

Silver was next to be judge. " **Orcas hate Sonic because _.** "

Everyone quickly decided on their answers.

" **Orcas hate Sonic because of doing crimes**."

"Are you in trouble with the law again, Sonic?" Amy asked.

"If I am, it's probably Shadow's fault."

"How many times to I have to explain that I wasn't trying to impersonate you? It's not my fault the humans are colorblind, dammit!"

" **Orcas hate Sonic because of inappropriate yodeling.** "

"That sounds about right." Knuckles said. "That's a good reason hate anybody."

" **Orcas hate Sonic because of incest.** "

"Man, if I had a gold ring for every time I was attacked because of incest."

" **Orcas hate Sonic because of the werehog.** "

Sonic threw up his hands. "Why does everyone gotta complain about the werehog? It's not that bad!"

"Yeah! The werehog was super fluffy!" Amy added.

" **Orcas hate Sonic because of evil ham.** "

"Eggman, have you been throwing your evil ham into the ocean?" Sonic asked.

"Of course not, I've been eating it."

" **Orcas hate Sonic because of extremely realistic android replicas.** "

"Are we sure it's not people mistaking me for Shadow again?"

"These are all pretty good." Silver looked thoughtfully at the cards. "I gotta give it to **evil ham**!"

Shadow collected his card.

Eggman drew a card and read aloud, " **Where does Amy keep her hammer?** I would like to know that myself."

This time, Amy had a hard time choosing a card.

When Eggman had them all he read, "Amy keeps her hammer in **a bag of magic beans.** "

"But where does she keep the bag of magic beans?" Silver asked.

"Amy keeps her hammer in **Space Colony Ark**." No one had a response to that so Eggman just continued. "She keeps her hammer in… **the Eggmobile!** "

"Wow Eggman, it's been in there all these years and you never noticed? You need to get your glasses checked." Sonic teased.

Eggman harrumphed and continued on. "Amy keeps her hammer in **chaos.** "

"Does that mean Chaos the water god, or does it mean she keeps it in a chaotic place?" Rouge asked.

"Amy keeps her hammer in **the computer room**."

"No one will ever find it there." Knuckles commented.

"Amy keeps her hammer in **froggy.** "

"The real reason Big is on Team Rose." Silver said.

"I'm going with **chaos** because there has to be chaos power involved with that hammer of yours."

Knuckles took the card.

Amy was up next. " **Silver comes from an apocalyptic future 200 years after _ ended the world.** "

Everyone seemed to have a hard time choosing a card for this one. Eventually, Amy had six answers and started reading them.

"Silver came from a future where **Bill Nye the science guy** ended the world."

"Oh no! How could he betray us like that!" Sonic over-dramatically exclaimed. "How will I tell Tails that his hero was actually secretly evil the whole time?"

Eggman groaned in disgust. "If anyone's gonna bring about the end of world, it's gonna be a real scientist. Not a TV actor."

"Silver came from a future where **a tornado carrying a car** ended the world."

"I can confirm that the future has one of those." Silver said.

"Silver came from a future where **flying attack dolphins** ended the world."

Everyone was too busy laughing to speak.

"Silver came from a future where **Mama Robonik** ended the world."

"She certainly ended mine." Eggman grumbled.

"Silver came from a future where **Silver** ended the world."

"Sounds like you created a paradox there, Silver." Knuckles observed.

"You were the Iblis Trigger the entire time!" Sonic shouted

"Silver came from a future where **strong female characters** ended the world." Amy thought for a moment. "Seeing as how Silver confirmed this one, I'll have to give it to **a tornado carrying a car**."

"Yes!" Eggman gloated as he took his first card.

"And it comes around to me again." Sonic grinned and drew a card. "And the next card is…"

* * *

 **Current Score**

 **Sonic: 1**

 **Knuckles: 1**

 **Rouge: 1**

 **Shadow: 1**

 **Silver: 2**

 **Eggman: 1**

 **Amy: 0**


	2. Chapter 2

Cards Against Mobians

"… **In a pinch, _ can be a suitable substitute for _.** Okay, for this one you need to give me two answer cards and draw two to replace them." Everyone made their choices, and Sonic read the first pair. " **In a pinch, a bloody pacifier can be a suitable substitute for dumbots**."

"Why specifically a bloody pacifier?" Silver asked. "Surely a clean one would work just as well."

" **The Phantom Ruby** can be a suitable substitute for **chili dogs**. No way. Nothing less than the real deal will do."

"I don't know, that ruby made some pretty convincing illusions." Rouge pointed out.

"I could tell the difference! Anyway, **Erotic fan art** can be a suitable substitute for **haters**."

 **"** I believe it." Stated Knuckles. "Looking at those pictures feels just as bad as being berated by haters."

"Why are you looking at those pictures Knuckie?" Rouge teased. "Got a crush we don't know about?"

"I do no such thing!" Knuckles protested, blushing furiously.

" **Hot people** can be a suitable substitute for **hot cheese**. Someone here is cannibal."

"Gross!" Amy exclaimed.

" **Dark Gaia** can be a suitable substitute for **fangirls**."

"True. In fact, Dark Gaia is preferable to fangirls." Shadow said.

There was general agreement.

" **The seven Chaos Emeralds** can be a suitable substitute for **having a penis**."

"Is that why you want to go super all the time?" Knuckles asked.

Sonic responded by kicking him under the table. "Who had **Dark Gaia** and **fangirls**?"

"Haha! Now I have two!" Eggman rejoiced.

Knuckles drew the next question. " **What's my secret power?** " Everyone quickly put down an answer. "My secret power is… **wisps**."

"They were my secret power first!" Eggman declared. "What are they still doing around here anyway? Didn't they all go home?"

"You mean the planet that you ruined?" Sonic pointed out sardonically.

"You mean improved!"

"My secret power is **erectile dysfunction**."

Most of the table burst into inmature giggles. Except for Shadow, who said, "That's not much of a power. More of a weakness."

"Maybe his power is that he gives other people erectile dysfunction." Sonic explained.

The giggles turned to wheezing.

"My secret power is **talking to dead robots**."

"So, your secret power is crippling loneliness." Rouge reasoned.

"My secret power is **getting thrown into wall forever**." Knuckles winced. "That just sounds painful."

"I can assure you it is." Sonic replied.

"Sorry." Silver muttered.

"My secret power is **a micropenis** "

"That's like an anti-superpower." Shadow remarked.

"My secret power is **Shadow's rocket shoes**."

Sonic scoffed. "Those aren't a power. More like an accessory."

"My shoes are more powerful than you know."

"Riiiight."

"Fashion is a powerful thing." Rouge lectured.

Knuckles looked over the cards for a moment. "You know what? My secret power is giving people erectile dysfunction."

Shadow smirked and grabbed the card.

Rouge read the next question. " **Why is Infinite such a little bitch?** "

"I can think of a few reasons." Shadow mused as he looked over his cards.

Knuckles slapped down a card immediately and sat back looking very satisfied.

"Because of **literally eating shit**."

"Eggman, can you confirm?" Sonic asked.

"I can neither confirm nor deny."

"Because of **my ex-wife.** Because of **drowning music**."

"No, that's why Sonic's a little bitch." Knuckles corrected.

"Hey!"

"Because of **an ugly face**."

"Now that I can confirm." Shadow announced.

"Because of **the screams… the terrible screams.** Because of **sexual tension**."

"With who exactly?" Amy asked.

Everyone's eyes moved to Shadow.

"What are you looking at me for?"

"Well he did become Infinite because of you." Silver pointed out.

"Yes, he expressed to me a very strong desire to…. Ahem, dominate you." Eggman added.

Shadow proceeded to throw his 1000-page hardcover book at Eggman.

"AHHHH! My nose!"

Rouge giggled at Eggman's misfortune, then turned to pondering the cards. "This is a tough choice. But since Shadow did confirm it, I'll go with **an ugly face**!"

"I knew it!" Knuckles cheered.

It was Shadow's turn to be judge. " **But before I kill you Sonic, I must show you _**." He collected everyone's answers.

"Well Shadow, what do you want to show me?"

Shadow ignored him and read the first card aloud. "Before I kill you, I must show you **a monkey smoking a cigar.** "

Silver scratched his head. "Um, okay? You have weird hobbies, Shadow."

"Before I kill you, I must show you **Omochao talking dirty**."

Sonic screwed up his face. "I don't know if that would be funny or horrifying."

"Before I kill you, I must show you **my vagina.** "

"Uh Shadow? Is there something you want to tell the rest of us?" Rouge asked.

Shadow kicked her chair over. All things considered, he was going easy on her.

"Before I kill you, I must show **you a sad, ugly chao**."

"Shadow, what did you do to that chao?" Knuckles asked.

"I told it my life story. Before I kill you, I must show you **bonce pads**."

Silver cleared his throat and lowered his voice. "But before I kill you Sonic, I must show you… my collection of bounce pads! OOOooo!"

Shadow gave Silver an unimpressed look while the others snickered.

"Before I kill you, I must show you **the real super power of teamwork!** "

"Hey that's my line!" Sonic protested indignantly.

"Teamwork is for people who are too weak to handle it themselves." Eggman declared.

"Says the guy who always loses." Amy sniped.

"Those were not losses! Those were delayed victories!"

"So, you're using the real super power of denial?" Sonic laughed.

"I pick the sad, ugly chao." Shadow decided.

"Finally!" Amy claimed her first card.

Rouge grinned. "Congratulations, you got the card that says, 'Before I kill you Sonic'."

"Aw, this game really is for horrible people!"

"I warned you." Sonic reminded her.

Silver picked up the next card. " **When I am a billionaire, I shall erect a 50-foot statue to commemorate _.** " After a few moments, he read, "I shell erect a statue to commemorate **three dicks at the same time**."

 **"** While that is an impressive accomplishment, I wouldn't build a 50-foot statue of it. But you do you, Silver." Sonic gave a thumbs up.

Silver blushed. "Sh-shut up! Ahem, I shall erect a statue to commemorate **Perfect Chaos.** I shall erect a statue to commemorate **Baldy McNosehair**."

Everyone laughed while Eggman angerly slumped in his seat.

"I shall erect a statue to commemorate **avoiding Amy like the plague**."

"That would be a statue of Sonic running away from a statue of Amy." Rouge said.

"Heeeey!" Amy whined. "I am not the plague! Right, Sonic?"

"Ummm… I'll be right back. I need to ummm… use the bathroom!"

Amy pouted.

"I shall erect a statue to commemorate **Super** **Shadow**."

"Well, I think we found the winner." Shadow said smugly.

Silver put the card aside. "Nope. I shall erect a statue to commemorate **Shadow being the coolest**. Oh, come on!"

"You're right. This one's the winner."

Silver huffed. "I pick **Baldy McNosehair**."

Eggman grumbled, "That's mine. Gimme."

Everyone giggled at him.

"It's still a statue of me! Now it's my turn to be judge. **What's under Knuckle's gloves?** "

Everyone eyed the large boxing mittens as they pondered the question.

"Knuckles has **soup that is too hot** under his gloves."

"How does that work? And can I have some?" Sonic asked.

"Knuckles has **humans** under his gloves."

"…I have several questions." Silver said.

"Knuckles has **the inevitable heat death of the universe** under his gloves."

"Wow, that's… that's pretty intense." Amy commented.

"Yeah, I've some serious power in here." Said Knuckles, flexing his fingers.

"Knuckles has **my machete** under his gloves. Knuckles has **poverty** under his gloves. Knuckles has **Knuckles** under his gloves. Well that makes sense. He has knuckles under his gloves, as most people do."

Sonic got a conspiratorial look on his face. "Or maybe he has a second, smaller Knuckles that he conceals under his gloves!"

" **Knuckles** wins."

"I do?"

"No, I do!" Amy took the black card and then drew another because it was her turn to be judge. " **What's a girl's best friend?** "

Shadow placed his card first. "This'll be interesting."

Rouge grinned as she put down hers. "This one's the winner. I know it."

When Amy had six answers, she read, " **Jet**? Ew! No!" She tossed it away. " **Eggman**? Extra ew!"

"Hey!"

Everyone else struggled to breathe.

" **The Iblis trigger** , **a man on the brink of orgasm** , **poor life choices**. What? Who played this?"

Shadow pointed at Silver. "It was him. I saw his cards."

"Don't look at my- Oww!"

He was knocked out of his seat by Amy's hammer.

"Anyway, **a Chaos Emerald**. This one wins."

"Told you so!" Rouge sang.

And so it was Sonic's turn to be judge once again…

 **Current Score**

 **Sonic: 1**

 **Knuckles: 2**

 **Rouge: 2**

 **Shadow: 2**

 **Silver: 3**

 **Eggman: 2**

 **Amy: 2**


	3. Chapter 3

Cards Against Mobians

" **Because we're _ heroes!** "

Everyone put their cards in front of Sonic.

He read the first one. " **Because we're vehicular manslaughter heroes!** That's the most unheroic thing I've ever heard in my life. **Because we're mutually assured destruction heroes!** Okay I take it back. _That's_ the most unheroic thing I've ever heard."

"That's a hero team you'd be on." Shadow snarked.

" **Because we're German dungeon porn heroes!** "

"That's the team that Eggman's on."

"I told you, I don't need a team!"

"You do your dungeon porn solo? That's impressive." Sonic commented sarcastically.

"I hate you."

" **Because we're praying the gay away heroes!** "

Eggman rose a brow. "I didn't take you for the homophobic type."

"He avoids Amy like the plague. Of course, he's that type!" Knuckles corrected.

Sonic stuck his tongue out at him before moving on. " **Because we're Metal Sonic heroes!** I'm pretty sure that's the opposite of what happened. **Because we're That's no good! Heroes!** "

"That's like your two cheesiest quotes combined!" Rouge gasped.

Sonic struggled to choose a winner. "I'm gonna give it to… **vehicular manslaughter!** "

"I win!" Cheered Rouge.

Knuckles drew the next card. " **Coming to Broadway this season, _: The Musical.** "

Everyone quickly put forth their answers.

" **Green Hill Zone: The Musical**."

"How do you make a musical out of Green Hill Zone?" Amy asked.

"They'd find a way." Eggman replied.

" **Bingeing and purging: The Musical**."

There was a collective "Ewwww!" from everyone except Shadow.

"I don't know. I might watch that." He said instead.

"What's wrong with you?" Silver questioned.

"Do you really want to know?"

Silver thought for a moment, then shuddered. "No."

" **Rolling around at the speed of sound: The Musical**."

"I love that song!" Sonic then proceeded to sing the first few lines.

" **Suicidal thoughts: The Musical**."

"I defiantly want to see that one." Shadow declared.

Silver opened his mouth, then closed it without saying anything.

"That sounds like the most depressing musical ever." Amy commented.

" **Getting pregnant again: The Musical."**

"Sounds like your typical romantic comedy." Stated Rouge.

" **Having no idea what's going on: The Musical."**

"Now that one I want to see!" Said Sonic excitedly.

"So do I. This one wins."

Shadow took the card.

Rouge read the next question. " **Future historians will agree that _ marked the beginning of the Eggman Empire's decline**."

"Its decline began as soon as Eggman thought of it." Shadow growled.

"You'll see! My empire will rise and never decline!"

"Yeah, good luck with that. Anyway, the first one is, **crystal meth**."

Sonic put on a patronizing tone. "Drug addictions aren't good for empires Eggy."

"I'm not going to do drugs. I'm smarter than that."

"Sure, you are."

" **Eggman's robots**."

Snorts of laughter went up around the table.

"You do have a bad habit of hanging on to bad models for too long." Said Amy.

" **Convenient weak spots**."

"You do seem to have a lot of those." Shadow observed.

"Minor oversights!"

" **Laying an egg**."

"Sounds more like the beginning of Eggman's empire." Said Knuckles.

" **Eggman's fake mustache."**

Eggman went red. "My mustache is one hundred percent real! That's just a rumor spread by Omochao!"

" **Eggman's ass**."

Eggman fumed while the rest of the table collapsed into all out laughter. Except for Shadow's more subdued chuckle.

"Oh, this is a hard choice. But I've got to give it to **convenient weak spots**!" Rouge handed the card to Silver.

Shadow was next to be judge. " **During Sonic Forces, Eggman tortured Sonic with _**."

Eggman smiled fondly as he remembered that time. "I think I'm going enjoy this one."

"Eggman tortured Sonic with **spikes**."

Eggman chuckled at the imagery.

"Eggman tortured Sonic with **a sea of troubles**."

The chuckling got louder.

"Eggman tortured Sonic with **getting crushed by a vending machine**."

Eggman burst into a full-on belly laugh, sounding much like an evil Santa Claus. "Yes!"

He was abruptly cut off as Amy's hammer slammed into his head.

"Is he dead?" Shadow asked.

"No, he's still breathing." Amy answered.

"Could you hit him again?" Sonic requested.

"Eggman tortured Sonic with **my genitals**. …Wait." Shadow threw the card away. "No one heard that. Anyway, Eggman tortured Sonic with **Sonado** -." Shadow cut himself off and ripped the card in half. "I hate the fans sometimes. Eggman tortured Sonic with **full frontal nudity**."

Everyone cringed.

"Spikeswinsletsmoveon."

Everyone looked around to see who the winner was, then looked down at Eggman, who was still out on the floor. Silver used his power to float the card down onto Eggman's face, then quickly drew the next question.

" **I got 99 problems, but _ ain't one**."

Silver grabbed a random card from Eggman's hand and everyone else chose their answers.

" **I got 99 problems, but the biolizard ain't one**. But **breaking out into song and dance** ain't one."

"Good, because that would be really stupid if we did." Came Shadow's scathing comment.

"But **dash panels** ain't one. I think we know which one is Eggman's. But **Sonic's gambling addiction** ain't one."

"I do not have a gambling addiction!"

"Then why do you keep going to all those casinos?" Knuckles asked pointedly.

"Because they're colorful and fun to bounce around in!"

"But **a disappointing birthday party** ain't one."

"I had a disappointing birthday party. Because _someone_ didn't show up!" Amy glared at Sonic.

"I told you, I was busy!"

"That is always your excuse! I was busy! I had to deal with Eggman! I was sucked into a book and crowned king!"

Silver ignored the bickering and moved on. "But **being cryogenically frozen for fifty years** ain't one." Silver awkwardly glanced at Shadow. "Uhh…"

"Ha." Shadow's voice was flatter than paper.

"Anyway, **Sonic's gambling addiction** wins."

"Yes!" Knuckles took the card.

Eggman groaned and sat up. "What'd I miss?"

"Just a disappointing birthday party." Knuckles answered. "Now come on, you're judge."

" **It's a pity that kids these days are all getting involved with _.** "

Sonic and Amy stopped arguing to consider the question and pick their answers.

"Kids these days are all getting involved with **punching a congressman in the face**. I agree with this. You all need to learn some respect."

"Says the man trying to overthrow the government." Shadow countered.

"Kids these days are all getting involved with **glitches**."

"Yeah glitches are super annoying." Silver complained.

"I will never forget the time I was stuck to that wall." Knuckles said with Rouge nodding in agreement.

"I've dedicated my life to forgetting everything that happened on that adventure." Sonic sighed.

"Kids these days are all getting involved with **dropping a chandelier on your enemies and ridding the rope up.** "

"I support this trend." Shadow stated.

"Kids these days are all getting involved with **NIDS**."

Shadow's mood dropped at once. "This game is testing me."

"Kids these days are all getting involved with **falling through the atmosphere… and living.** "

Shadow's ears flattened. "I hate this game."

"Kids these days are all getting involved with **dying.** "

"Oh, that's terrible!" Amy exclaimed.

"I'll give it to… **glitches**."

"Yay! Thanks Eggman!" Sonic grinned obnoxiously.

It was Amy's turn. " **Shadow was created using hedgehog, Black Arms, and _ DNA.** "

Shadow groaned. "This is gonna suck."

"Shadow was created using **Mechahitler** DNA."

"Has Shadow secretly been a Nazi this whole time?" Sonic asked.

Shadow gave him the middle finger.

"Shadow was created using **72 virgins** DNA."

"72? You really needed that many?" Knuckles snickered.

"Shadow was created using **a chao** DNA. Shadow was created using **your weird brother** DNA. Shadow was created using **sunshine and rainbows** DNA."

Much laughter ensued.

"It's stupid, but it's hardly the worst thing I've heard today."

"Shadow was created using **poopy diapers** DNA."

"WHAT!?"

Everyone held in their laughter, except Sonic, who failed. While Shadow was beating him up, Amy declared **sunshine and rainbows** the winner and Eggman got another card.

 **Current Score**

 **Sonic: 2**

 **Knuckles: 3**

 **Rouge: 3**

 **Shadow: 3**

 **Silver: 4**

 **Eggman: 4**

 **Amy: 2**


	4. Chapter 4

Cards Against Mobians

" **Science will never explain _.** "

"There is nothing that science will not eventually be able to explain." Eggman asserted. "It's only a matter of time."

"Oh really?" Sonic challenged. "Can you explain **bad fanfiction**?"

"Simple. Most people do not have the mental capacity to make anything good."

"Jeez Eggman. Isn't that a bit harsh?" Silver asked.

"How many fanfics have you read?"

"Um, none."

"Whatever you do, don't do it."

"All right Eggman, but can you explain **Viagra**?"

"Science invented Viagra!"

"Okay I can't argue with that, but what about **Shadow on a motorcycle**?"

"Well he… um…"

Everyone looked at Shadow.

"Yeah why do you own a motorcycle?" Knuckles questioned. "You have both super speed and teleportation. Why would you ever need a motorcycle?"

"I have hobbies."

"Alright then. Explain **platforming**."

"You stand one platform and then you jump to another. Boom, done." Shadow answered dryly.

Sonic shrugged. "Makes sense to me! Now how about an explanation for **shipping**?"

"Again, because people are too dumb!" Eggman exclaimed.

"They aren't trying to make sense, they're just trying to satisfy their own fetishes." Rouge supplied.

"Some of them are so random I swear they just put pictures of us up on a wall and throw darts to see what combo they get." Shadow spat.

"Didn't you get shipped with Shrek once?" Sonic asked.

Shadow's face twisted into an expression of combined hate and disgust.

"I reiterate: too dumb." Eggman said with finality.

"But can you explain **Sonic Boom**?"

"I… actually can't. I don't know why anyone thought that was actually a good idea."

"Not even by saying people are stupid?"

"This isn't your average, everyday stupid. This is more like… advanced stupid."

"Then I guess it wins."

"And victory is mine." Knuckles took the card and drew the next one. " **What is Sonic's guilty pleasure?** "

Shadow grinned evilly. An opportunity for revenge had presented itself.

"…Have any good cards?" Sonic asked nervously.

Knuckles smirked as he read the first answer. " **Tap dancing like there's no tomorrow**."

"Well that one's accurate. I do enjoy dancing."

"Sonic's guilty pleasure is **peeing a little bit**."

"I would like to remind everyone that Sonic does not wear pants." Shadow said.

"Neither do you!"

"I'm not the one who enjoys peeing on things."

"That's not what it said!"

"Sonic's guilty pleasure is **frolicking**."

"Yes! I love to frolic. I do it all the time."

"We know it's a pleasure, it's not exactly a _guilty_ pleasure though, so I don't think this one wins." Knuckles decided.

Sonic pouted.

"Sonic's guilty pleasure is **spindashing into a wall**."

"I have seen you do that multiple times." Amy recalled.

"Not on purpose!"

"So, you just suck then." Shadow sniped.

Sonic shook his fist at Shadow.

"Sonic's guilty pleasure is **used panties**."

There was general snickering.

"This is great." Eggman opined.

"Sonic's guilty pleasure is…" Knuckles paused. "Oh, this is too good."

Sonic abruptly stood up. "Well, that's game! Let's go do something else!"

Shadow held up a hand. "Hold on. Knuckles still needs to read this last card."

" **Elise making out with your corpse**!"

"I WAS NOT INTO THAT!" Sonic screamed, blushing intensely and flailing his arms.

As expected, laughter ensued. What was unexpected was Shadow's reaction. He doubled over, bringing his head down to rest on the table. His shoulders shook as strangled wheezing noises escaped him.

"Guys, I think we broke Shadow." Silver observed with concern.

Rouge didn't bother to wait for the official verdict before claiming her prize. She then patted Shadow on the back. "You okay there?"

Shadow sat up with an uncharacteristic grin on his face. "I love this game."

"Told you it was fun. Now let's see what the next card is. **When I am president of the United States, I will create the department of _.** "

Sonic grumpily tossed a random card at Rouge. Everyone else placed theirs down.

"The department of **being on fire.** "

"I think I know how the world ends now." Silver said.

"The department of **The Three-Fifths Compromise**. The department of **G.U.N.** That one already exists. The department of **destroying the evidence**. That's basically the same thing. The department of **inserting a mason jar into my anus**."

"Sonic, is this you with another one of your guilty pleasures?" Shadow asked innocently.

Sonic slammed his face down on the table.

"The department of **the Devil himself**. Yeah, this one wins."

Amy held her hand out for the card.

It was Shadow's turn to be judge. " **I am _! This is who I am!** "

Sonic rose back up off the table. Shadow's happy mood disappeared.

The cards were chosen, and Shadow reluctantly read the first one. " **I am God! This is who I am!** This one wins. Moving on."

"Hold on, Shadow. I think you have a few more cards to read first." Sonic wore a shit-eating grin.

Rouge nudged him. "Come on, Shadow we're waiting."

Glaring, Shadow growled, " **I am bitches! This is who I am!** "

"All of them?" Silver asked.

"Yes." Sonic answered.

Shadow flung the white card at Sonic and read the next one. " **I am overcompensation! This is who I am!** "

"I've been telling him that for years." Rouge sighed.

" **I am edible underpants! This is who I am!** "

Silver tried to contain his giggles. Shadow helped by throwing him out of his chair.

" **I am doin' it in the butt! This is who I am!** "

"Whoa! You mean like right now? With who? You got someone under the table there?" Sonic looked under the table, but only found Shadow's foot flying at his face.

" **I am teaching a robot to love! This is who I am!"**

"Accurate. We all know that you love Omega and Omega loves you!" Rouge smiled fondly. "Sweet really."

"And the winner, I am **God** and you are all assholes."

"That's mine!" Amy claimed her card. There were funnier answers she could have played, but she wanted to A) win, and B) live.

Silver nervously drew the next card. " **Silver's hairstyle is inspired by _.** Aw, man!"

"Your turn, Silver!" Sonic grinned as he placed his answer.

Silver began reading the answers aloud. "My hairstyle was inspired by **not reciprocating oral sex**."

"With who? Was it Blaze?" Amy asked.

Silver blushed. "N-n-no! W-w-we never- No!" he quickly read the next card to get it over with. "My hairstyle was inspired by **Sudden Poop Explosion Disease**."

Knuckles squinted at Silver's hair. "I can see that."

Silver slumped. "My hairstyle was inspired by **being a busy adult with many important things to do.** Okay that's better. My hairstyle was inspired by **a bleached asshole**. That one's not better!"

"A bleached asshole that's suffering from Sudden Poop Explosion Disease!" Sonic exclaimed. "It all makes sense now!"

Silver slumped further. "My hairstyle was inspired by **being** **a motherfucking sorcerer**. Why can't we have more responses like this one?"

"Because it's obviously not true?" Shadow suggested.

"Okay last card. How bad could it be? My hairstyle was inspired by **getting really high**. Oh, come on! This again? My hair is not shaped like weed!"

"Yes, it is." Everyone chorused.

"Well screw you guys, **being a motherfucking sorcerer** wins!"

"Thank you Silver the pothead!" Sonic grabbed the card.

Silver pouted. "Shut up."

Thoroughly enjoying himself now, Eggman drew the next question. " **They said we were crazy. They said we couldn't put _ inside of _. They were wrong**."

"What kind of messed up experiments have you been performing lately Egghead?"

"None that I will tell you about."

Everyone took their time choosing their answers.

"Alright. They said we couldn't put **a cooler full of organs** inside of the **Tornado**. They were wrong."

"…I have questions." Sonic began. "Whose organs are these? And why does Tails have them in the Tornado?"

"It's possible he's experimenting with the idea of giving human organs to machines. I fiddled with that once, but it didn't go anywhere."

Amy and Silver scooted their chairs away from Eggman.

"They said we couldn't put **penis breath** inside of **Amy**. They were wrong."

"What!?" Amy shrieked.

"I can't imagine it would have been that hard. All you have to do is convince her that it's Sonic's penis." Rouge mused.

Amy dove across the table with her hammer and a brief scuffle ensued. A few minutes later, a disheveled Amy and Rouge were reseated, and the game resumed.

"They said we couldn't put **Super Sonic** inside of **the chao garden**. They were wrong."

"That's not hard. Just give Sonic the seven Chaos Emeralds and put some chili dogs in the chao garden. Done." Knuckles outlined.

"They said we couldn't put **the ultimate power** inside of **nipple blades**. They were wrong. Why would anyone want that? That would ruin all your shirts! They said we couldn't put **my** **collection of high-tech sex toys** inside of **consensual sex**. They were wrong."

Everyone scooted their chairs away from Eggman.

"What?"

"Eggman, don't ever say those things again. Please." Sonic begged.

"They said we couldn't put **explosions** inside of **air bubbles**. They were wrong."

"Now that one actually does sound impossible." Silver stated.

"I pick **explosions** in **air bubbles** because that would be a great trap! You think you're getting air, but then you explode!"

Shadow held up his hand, and Eggman passed the card to him.

It was once again Amy's turn. " **Alternative medicine is now embracing the curative powers of _.** "

Answers were quickly chosen.

"The curative powers of **advice from a wise, old black man**."

"Those guys usually have good advice." Sonic commented.

"The curative powers of **gladiatorial combat**."

"That seems counterproductive." Silver said.

"Only if you suck." Shadow countered.

"The curative powers of **free samples**."

"If they're free samples of medicine that would work." Eggman observed.

"Then that's not alternate medicine. That's alternative prices." Rouge pointed out.

"The curative powers of **being fabulous**."

Everyone looked at Rouge.

"Is it that obvious?"

They nodded.

"The curative powers of **rings."**

"That makes sense. Rings help me feel better all the time." Sonic said.

"The curative powers of **hedgehog chest fluff**."

"Well, girls really do seem to like the fluff a lot. They're always asking if they can pet mine." Silver recounted.

"Same here." Shadow agreed. "I always tell them to back the fuck off."

Amy sniffed. "Well I think chest fluff is overrated. The winner is **being fabulous**." She tossed the card at Rouge.

"Again, was it really that obvious?"

 **Current Score**

 **Sonic: 3**

 **Knuckles: 4**

 **Rouge: 5**

 **Shadow: 4**

 **Silver: 4**

 **Eggman: 4**

 **Amy: 4**


	5. Chapter 5

Cards Against Mobians

Sonic read the new question aloud. " **What ended my last relationship?"**

"What last relationship?" Amy asked suspiciously.

"Just a game, remember? Now pick a card."

She did so, along with everyone else.

"My last relationship was ended by **one trillion dollars**."

"What, you sold her for a trillion dollars? Or did she sell you for a trillion dollars?" Knuckles questioned.

"Trading your relationship for a trillion dollars? Sounds like a good deal to me." Rouge opined.

"My last relationship was ended by **having anuses for eyes**."

There was a collective cringe.

"I can see how that would end a relationship." Amy muttered.

"My last relationship was ended by **autocannibalism**."

"You ate her?" Silver exclaimed.

"Or she tried to eat him." Eggman pointed out.

"My last relationship was ended by **dry heaving**."

"While that is gross, if you break up with someone over that, you'll be single for your entire life." Amy stated knowingly.

"Or maybe he dry heaved when he saw her." Silver suggested.

"My last relationship was ended by **boosting off of a cliff**."

"Accidently or on purpose?" Shadow asked.

"My last relationship was ended by **my relationship status**."

"And what exactly was your relationship status?" Knuckles questioned.

"Maybe he just forgot to update it." Rouge guessed.

"I'll give it to… **my relationship status**."

Rouge snatched the card. "Mine!"

"She's winning guys. Give me an answer better than hers!" Knuckles drew the next card. " **When I pooped, what came out of my butt?** Oh, that's just nasty!"

Silver got a wicked gleam in his eye. "You're in the hot seat now!"

Everyone came to a decision and submitted their answers at the same time.

Knuckles hesitantly picked up the first one and read, " **Chunks of dead hitchhiker**."

Sonic placed a hand on his shoulder. "Knuckles, I know you're a guardian and your job is important, but don't you think that's going a bit too far?"

"First of all, I don't do that. Second of all, why would somebody be hitchhiking on Angel Island? Anyway, when I pooped, **Darth Vader** came out."

"You ate Drath Vader!? How? Why?" Silver exclaimed.

"How did you even beat him in the first place?" Amy demanded.

"There's no way Knuckles killed him. Vader would have killed him first. He just ate Vader's corpse after someone else killed him." Shadow explained.

"When you ate him, did you eat his mechanical parts too?" Eggman wanted to know. "Because that can't be healthy."

"All of you shut up!" Knuckles roared. "It doesn't say I ate him, it just says I pooped him out!"

"How can that happen without you eating him?" Rouge questioned.

"I don't know! Okay, you know what? We're moving on now! When I pooped, **an evil man in evil cloths** came out."

"So… Darth Vader again." Sonic concluded.

"Enough about Darth Vader! Moving! On! When I pooped, **civilian casualties** came out."

"So you eat random civilians too." Rouge said.

"I don't eat- Moving on! When I pooped, **heartwarming orphans** came out."

"He even goes after orphans!" Amy declared. "How could you do that to children, Knuckles?"

"I do not eat children!" Knuckles growled. "When I pooped… Goddammit! **The heart of a child** came out!"

"I think we found our cannibal." Sonic said.

"Now we know the real reason he's the last echidna." Eggman foolishly stated.

"THAT'S IT!"

Knuckles flipped the table and charged towards Eggman.

Some time later, the table was righted, and the players and cards all put back in order. Knuckles was still glowering at a cowed Eggman and declared **chunks of dead hitchhiker** the winner through gritted teeth. Amy quietly took the black card.

Rouge bravely drew the next card. " **What's E-123 Omega thinking about right now?** Well that's easy, he's thinking, 'Why can't I compete in the Olympics?'"

Some of the tension diffused.

"Omega is thinking about **endless possibilities**."

Eggman considered making a rude comment about Omega's processing power, but then remembered that while Omega wasn't there, Shadow and Rouge were. Not only that, but Shadow had also retrieved his book and was idly fingering it.

"Omega is thinking about **sanding off a man's nose**."

Everyone looked at Eggman.

"Well… I guess I can't really argue with that."

"Omega is thinking about **synergistic management solutions**."

"For G.U.N.?" Sonic guessed.

"They need them. Badly." Shadow said.

"I don't trust any solutions he comes up with. His solution is always to shoot the problem." Knuckles said derisively.

"Says the guy whose solution is always to punch the problem." Rouge countered.

Knuckles crossed his arms and grumbled.

"Omega is thinking about **dark and mysterious forces beyond our control**."

"That sounds… ominous." Silver said.

"He's thinking about the best way to destroy them." Shadow clarified.

"Omega's thinking about **cuddling**. Awww, that's adorable! We need to cuddle him when we get home."

"Well don't get too excited." Sonic cautioned. "He's only thinking about cuddling, he isn't sure yet."

"Omega's thinking about **grave robbing**."

"I think you've rubbed off on him too much, Rouge." Amy observed.

"Omega's thinking about **sweet, sweet vengeance**."

"Yes!" Shadow shouted. "That one!"

"I agree." Concurred Rouge.

Amy smiled triumphantly as she took the card.

It was Shadow's turn. " **Hi, long time no _.** "

In a much better mood now, everyone selected their answers.

"Long time no **wet dreams**."

"You inspire those every time you meet someone new." Rouge teased.

Shadow ignored that. "Long time no **penis envy**."

"You also inspire that every time you meet somebody."

"Long time no **getting so angry that you pop a boner**."

"Has he ever actually done that before?" Silver asked.

"Not that I've seem, but I wouldn't be surprised." Sonic replied.

Shadow huffed. "Long time no **a snapping turtle biting the tip of your penis**."

Everyone with a penis cringed.

"Long time no **adventure!** "

"Well the only time you hang out with the rest of us is when we're on an adventure, so that checks out." Amy said.

"Yeah and there's a reason why." Shadow responded with a glare. "Long time no **saying 'I love you'** "

"That is true. I've never heard you once say, 'I love you'" Rouge pointed out.

"And I'm not going to. The winner is **adventure!** "

"Woohoo!" Sonic cheered.

Silver became the judge. " **The class field trip was completely ruined by_.** "

The jovial atmosphere had returned, and everyone placed their cards before Silver.

" **The class field trip was completely ruined by speciesism**."

"That means Eggman showed and tried to put everybody inside robots." Sonic explained.

"I am not a speciest! I look down on all of you equally."

" **The class field trip was completely ruined by mobians**."

"Sounds like the other side of the story." Eggman said smugly.

"The side that's wrong." Shadow sniped.

" **The class field trip was completely ruined by Chaos Blast**."

"I think this is all one big story." Rouge had a thoughtful look on her face. "We all go on a field trip, Eggman shows up and is super speciest, then Shadow Chaos Blasts everybody and Eggman blamed us for what happened."

" **The class field trip was completely ruined by a sad hand job**."

"Well this story took an odd turn." Amy said.

" **The class field trip was completely ruined by shapeshifters**."

"Where is this story going anyway?" Knuckles asked.

" **The class field trip was completely ruined by genetically engineered super soldiers**."

"What kind of field trip was this?" Amy wondered.

"I've got it!" Rouge exclaimed. "So we were all on a class field trip together. But on our way there, we come across these shapeshifting aliens. Eggman was super speciest and didn't like them but the rest of us did, so we let them join us on our field trip. But then genetically engineered super soldiers showed up looking for the aliens and started shooting at us! And then Eggman started bitching at us about how this was all our fault. But then Shadow Chaos blasts all the super soldiers! And the aliens thanked him by giving him a sad hand job. The end."

Sonic clapped. "That was beautiful."

"Well now that the ridiculous story is over, who wins?" Eggman demanded.

Silver thought it over. "Gee, this is tough. But since Rouge combined every answer into one big story, I'll just give it to you."

"Aw, thanks."

Eggman was next. " **On Prison Island, word is you can trade 200 cigarettes for_**." He waited for all the answers to be handed in. "You can trade 200 cigarettes for **Extreme Gear."**

Sonic crossed his arms. "I sure wish I heard about that deal when I was locked up there."

"But you don't have cigarettes." Amy pointed out.

"You can trade 200 cigarettes for **genuine human connection**."

"Is it really genuine if you have to pay for it?" Silver asked.

"You can trade 200 cigarettes for **the Force**."

"That's not how the Force works." Shadow griped.

"You can trade 200 cigarettes for **Angel Island**."

"What? No!" Knuckles protested. "You can't just buy my island! Especially not for 200 cigarettes!"

"You can trade 200 cigarettes for **the Master Emerald**."

"But for today only, you can get both the island and the emerald for only 350 cigarettes!" Sonic announced in a salesman's voice.

Rouge raised her hand. "I'll take that offer!"

"No!" Knuckles howled.

"You can trade 200 cigarettes for **a micropig wearing a tiny raincoat and booties**."

"That's so cute!" Amy squealed. "I would totally pay 200 cigarettes for that!"

"Well I wouldn't." Eggman threw the card away. "And the winner is… **the Master Emerald**."

Grumbling, Knuckles took the card. "I knew he'd pick it!" He yelled in response to everyone's stares.

"So… you _are_ selling it for 200 cigarettes?" Sonic asked cheekily.

"Shut up."

Amy drew a card. " **Why does Sonic run away from Amy?"** She looked at Sonic. "I'd like to know too."

Sonic gulped.

"Let's see. Sonic runs away from me because of **fiery poops**."

"Because she has fiery poops or because you have them?" Knuckles asked.

"Sonic runs away form me because of **surprise sex!** "

"So all those times you tackled him, you were actually trying to have surprise sex with him?" Silver wondered.

Amy blushed. "Um…. No! Next card. Sonic runs away from me because of **fear itself**."

"I believe that." Shadow stated.

"Sonic runs away from me because of **me time**."

"Yes, that's exactly what it is. I just need some me time."

"Why is your 'me time' all the time, every time?"

"It's not all the time! Look at what we're doing right now!"

Amy turned back to the cards. "Sonic runs away from me because of **exactly what you'd expect**."

"Which is me time, right?" Sonic looked around nervously. "Right?"

"That's not what anyone expects at all." Knuckles stated bluntly.

"Sonic runs away from me because of **Rouge**. What!?"

Rouge laughed. "Honestly Amy, you should have known."

"YOU BITCH!"

One catfight later, Amy declared **me time** the winner, much to Sonic's relief.

 **Current Score**

 **Sonic: 5**

 **Knuckles: 5**

 **Rouge: 7**

 **Shadow: 4**

 **Silver: 4**

 **Eggman: 4**

 **Amy: 6**


	6. Chapter 6

Cards Against Mobians

" **_! That's no good!"**

"I see we're back to your cheesy PSAs." Shadow drawled.

"Hey, my PSAs were great! Kids learned lots of valuable lessons from me." Sonic began reading the answers. " **Drinking alone! That's no good!** That is pretty sad."

"Some people simply prefer to be alone." Knuckles pointed out.

" **Crippling debt! That's no good!** "

"It really isn't." Rouge agreed.

" **The hiccups! That's no good!** "

Amy nodded. "Hiccups are the worst!"

" **Being fat and stupid! That's no good!** So basically, being Eggman is no good. I think we can all agree with that."

"I disagree!"

"And that's why people think you're fat and stupid."

Eggman shook his fist at Sonic.

" **Italians! That's no good!** Italians aren't bad… we're just better! And we'll prove it when we get to the Olympics."

"There's something we can all agree on." Eggman commented.

" **Bees? That's no good!** Well are there bees, or aren't there?"

"Maybe it's the uncertainty that's not good." Silver guessed.

Sonic spent several minutes trying to choose an answer, then shrugged and said, "You know what? Uncertainty is no good. So I'll give it to **bees?** "

"Aha!" Eggman gloated.

" **Michael Bay's new three-hour action epic pits _ against _.** " Knuckles read aloud.

Everyone eagerly put down their answers.

"Michael's new movie pits a **pangender octopus who roams the cosmos in search of love** against **court-ordered rehab**."

"Sounds like a movie about denial." Amy mused.

" **Mom** against **Santa Claus**."

"I always wanted that to happen, every Christmas." Eggman reminisced.

Sonic rose a brow. "You had a messed-up childhood, didn't you?"

"You've met my mother."

" **Being a dinosaur** against **cybernetic enhancements**."

"The past versus the future. That sounds cool." Silver said.

" **Yeast** against **clenched butt cheeks**."

"Is... this a movie about a yeast infection?" Amy asked. "Because if so, gross."

" **A big black dick** against **an erection that lasts longer than four hours**."

"I'm guessing the four-hour erection is the villain?" Rouge said.

" **Cream and Cheese** against **child beauty pageants**."

"Cream and Cheese taking on the beauty pageant industry? Now this, I wanna see." Shadow announced.

"Really? You wanna see that?" Silver asked.

"Don't tell me you don't."

"That doesn't tell us why _you_ want to see it." Eggman looked suspiciously at Shadow.

"I hate child beauty pageants. It's parents making their kids stand on a stage to be judged for their looks."

"Fair point. Now I want to see that movie too." Knuckles gave the card to Silver.

It was Rouge's turn. " **Sonic absorbed the power of _ and transformed into _**."

"This is gonna be bad for me again, isn't it?"

"He absorbed the power of **the worst pain imaginable. Times two!** And transformed into **a salty surprise**."

"That doesn't sound worth it at all." Sonic decided.

"He absorbed the power of **magnets** and transformed into **flying sex snakes**."

"Snakes, plural?" Knuckles asked.

"Yes." Rouge confirmed. "He absorbed the power of **a saxophone solo** and transformed into **a mime having a stroke**."

"I guess I need to stay away from saxophones."

"He absorbed the power of **this year's mass shooting** and transformed into **a murder most foul** **.** "

There was a moment of awkward silence.

Sonic, of course, had to break it. "Well, damn. That's dark."

"Okay, let's move on. He absorbed the power of **making a pouty face** and transformed into **the violation of our most basic human rights**."

"Yes!" Eggman laughed. "I agree with this completely."

"He absorbed the power of **my soul** and transformed **into getting married, having a few kids, buying some stuff, retiring to Florida, and dying**."

"So, the power of your soul gives you a boring, average life? That's terrible!" Knuckles exclaimed.

"Hmm, such a hard choice, but I think I'll give it to **my soul** and the boring, average life."

"A winner is me!" Sonic took the card.

Shadow drew the next one. " **Just saw this upsetting video! Please retweet! #stop_** "

Everyone quickly selected an answer.

" **#stopself-loathing**."

"I'm way ahead of you on that one." Sonic proudly stated. "I've been championing that cause for years already."

" **#stopseethingwithquietresentment**."

"In other words, stop being you, Shadow." Sonic teased.

Shadow twitched an ear and kept going. " **#stopwhippingitout**."

"What does that mean?" Silver asked naïvely. "Whipping what out?"

Eggman sighed. "Of course, you wouldn't get it. You walk around naked like a savage."

"Hey, now!" Sonic rebuked. "Just because we don't view nudity as taboo-"

"Then why do you all seem so repulsed at the idea of me being naked?"

"Because you're an eyesore." Knuckles explained harshly.

" **#stoprippingintoaman'schestandpullingouthisstill-beatingheart**."

Amy winced. "Yeah, I support that cause."

" **#stoppoopinginalaptopandclosingit**."

"That's the cause I support." Eggman declared. "People who mistreat technology are just despicable, ungrateful wretches."

" **#stopfakers**. Yes. This cause is of the utmost importance."

"That's my card!" Rouge announced, and Shadow gave her the black card.

Silver read the next card. " **I will teach you _, then _.** "

Shadow quickly pulled out a pair of cards and slapped them down. Everyone else followed.

" **I will teach you Stockholm Syndrome, then crucifixion.** "

"That just sounds like a cult." Eggman observed.

" **I will teach you women's suffrage, then concealing a boner.** "

"Very… odd lessons." Knuckles said slowly.

" **I will teach you Chaos Control, then mad hacky-sack skills.** "

"Finally! Lessons that are actually useful!" Sonic exclaimed.

" **I will teach you fabricating statistics, then a web of lies.** "

"Silver, have you become a spy or something?" Rouge asked.

"What? No! Ahem, **I will teach you vigorous jazz hands, then insatiable blood lust.** "

"…And now we're back to joining cults." Shadow muttered.

" **I will teach you growing a pair, then firing a riffle into the air while balls deep into a squealing hog.** "

"Who the hell would tech this and more importantly, who the hell would want to learn this?" Amy demanded.

"I don't know, but I do know that **Chaos Control** and **mad hacky-sack skills** wins."

"Naturally." Shadow smirked and took the card.

It was Eggman's turn. " **How does Mephilis talk without a mouth?** Pretty sure being a demon has something to do with that."

Everyone chose their answers.

" **A brain tumor**. That's not how that works. **Boogers."**

"Well... he did have a nose." Silver recalled.

" **Iblis**. So he talks using a part of himself that's separate from him. How does that work?" No one had an answer, so he moved on. " **Hope**."

"Bullshit." Shadow spat. "Hoping for things does not make them happen."

" **Mephilis**."

"So, in other words, he just talks." Sonic clarified.

" **A ball of earwax, semen, and toenail clippings**."

"Ewww!" Amy whined.

"Uh, I think I would have noticed if he'd had one of those on him." Said Silver.

" **Mephilis** wins."

"And I win again." Shadow snatched the card.

Amy drew the next card. " **What makes Angel Island float?** "

"Well the Master Emerald, obviously!" Knuckles pointed out.

"Yeah, but that card was played already." Sonic reminded him.

Amy read the first answer. " **Shadow's inhibitor rings** keep Angel Island afloat. **Sperm whales** keep Angel Island afloat."

"They make it float so that it doesn't drop down on their heads." Sonic joked.

" **Testicular torsion** keeps Angel Island afloat."

"Just what are you doing up on that island all by yourself?" Rouge asked.

"None of your business!"

" **Powerful thighs** keep Angel Island afloat. Just how strong are your thighs?" Amy asked.

"The absolute strongest." Knuckles bragged.

" **Blast processing** keeps Angel Island afloat."

"What is blast processing anyway?" Silver asked.

"I don't know, but it sounds cool." Sonic replied.

" **The Little Engine that Could** keeps Angel Island afloat." Amy considered the options. " **Blast processing** wins."

"Finally, another card!" Silver cried and added it to his collection.

 **Current Score**

 **Sonic: 6**

 **Knuckles: 5**

 **Rouge: 8**

 **Shadow: 6**

 **Silver: 5**

 **Eggman: 5**

 **Amy: 6**


	7. Chapter 7

Cards Against Mobians

Sonic selected the next question. " **_ as usual I see**! Now it's time for someone else's cheesy quote to get butchered."

"Like it hasn't been already." Eggman muttered.

The answers were turned in, and Sonic read the first one. " **Pulling out as usual I see!** "

Snickers arose from the table.

" **Revenge fucking as usual I see!** "

"That is way too casual a reaction to seeing someone revenge fucking." Rouge commented.

" **Drowning the kids in the bathtub as usual I see!** "

"Who the hell does that on a regular basis!?" Silver yelled in shock.

" **Selling crack to children as usual I see!** "

"Someone needs to call the police on that guy, like right now." Amy insisted.

" **The world being in danger. Again. As usual I see!** Ain't that the truth!"

Everyone nodded in agreement. Except Eggman, because he was the cause most of the time.

"Well if you would just let me win, it wouldn't happen so often."

" **World peace as usual I see!** "

"Bullshit!" Shadow shouted.

Amy nodded. "I'm with Shadow. With all these terrible things going on all the time…"

"I agree. The world being in danger wins." Sonic declared.

"I'm catching up now." Shadow boasted.

"We'll just see who wins." Rouge smiled coyly.

Knuckles took his turn as judge. " **The secret to a lasting marriage is communication, communication, and _.** "

Everyone submitted their answers.

"The secret to a lasting marriage is **having big dreams but no realistic way to achieve them.** "

"Wow. That's sad." Sonic said.

" **The secret to a lasting marriage is the Death Egg**."

"That isn't going to work Eggman!" Sonic said in exasperation. "So, stop rebuilding it already!"

"That is not the Death Egg's purpose!"

"The secret to a lasting marriage is **a bitch slap**. The secret to a lasting marriage is **not wearing pants.** "

"Unless you're Eggman." Shadow sniped.

Eggman crossed his arms and grumbled.

"The secret to a lasting marriage is **blowing up half the moon**."

"Eggman, none of these strategies will work for you. Give up already." Rouge advised.

"I will destroy you one day."

"The secret to a lasting marriage is **hot pockets**."

"I could go for some hot pockets right now, come to think of it." Silver said.

"I'm gonna go with **not wearing pants**." Knuckles decided.

Shadow grinned triumphantly and took the card.

Rouge drew the next card. " **What gives me uncontrollable gas?** "

Everyone quickly put down a card.

" **The true meaning of Christmas**. **Friction**. **Gogurt**."

"Well then maybe you should stop eating it." Knuckles suggested.

" **Eggman's body odor.** No, that gives me uncontrollable vomiting."

"Hey! Why do so many of these cards insult me?"

"Because saying anything positive about you is physically impossible." Shadow snarked.

"Well, I'll have you know that's the smell of hard work and dedication."

"Really? Smells more like motor oil and failure." Sonic countered.

"Shut up rodent!"

" **Multiple stab wounds**."

"If you have multiple stab wounds, then I think you have bigger problems to worry about than gas." Silver observed.

" **Science**."

"Well, technically that is correct." Eggman mused.

"Well in that case, I pick **science**."

Amy took the card. "Finally! A winner that isn't Shadow."

"I'll beat you all in the end." Shadow drew the next card. " **Tails is experimenting with combining _ and _.** "

Silver took a long time choosing his answer.

"Tails is combining **an oversized lollipop** and **8 oz. of Mexican black-tar heroin**."

"Sonic, I think Tails is turning into the next Heisenberg." Rouge said.

"Tails is combining **one thousand Slim Jims** and **spontaneous human combustion**."

"Is he trying to figure out how many Slim Jims it takes to make a person explode?" Silver asked.

"705." Eggman answered.

"Uh… What?"

"Well, you see back in my college days-"

"Nope! We're moving on!" Shadow interrupted. "Tails is combining **the Big Bang** and **a tiny horse.** "

No one thought this was particularly funny.

"Tails is combining **the Make-a-Wish foundation** and **child abuse**."

"Uh Sonic? Is Tails okay?" Amy asked.

"He's fine! I think."

"Tails is combining **goblins** and **Original Character do not steal!** "

"Is Tails feeding them to the goblins?" Silver asked.

"Or maybe he's feeding the goblins to the original characters." Knuckles suggested.

"Or maybe the original character is a goblin." Sonic guessed.

Shadow, considering this conversation to be too stupid, continued. "Tails is combining **Light Gaia** and **the Black Arms**."

"Well that's going to be a bit difficult seeing as how the Black Arms are all dead." Said Rouge.

"There's still Shadow." Amy pointed out.

"Tails can experiment on me when I'm dead."

"But you're immortal."

"Exactly. The lollipop and heroin win."

Silver collected the card, and then took his turn at judge. " **What never fails to liven up the party?** "

Sonic grinned confidently. "Now here's something I'm an expert at!"

Silver began reading the answers. " **Standing on the wings of a biplane**. **Flesh-eating bacteria**. **Chainsaws for hands**."

"Sounds like something you would see in a shitty slasher movie." Eggman commented.

" **Syphilitic insanity**. **Pretending to care**."

"Sounds like a party thrown by Shadow." Sonic snarked.

" **Crush 40**. I think this one wins."

"Well of course! It's not a party if there's no Crush 40!" Sonic exclaimed and everyone agreed.

Amy collected the card.

Eggman read aloud, " **Behold! Eggman's newest robot, The Egg _!** I'm not looking forward to this."

Everyone snickered and submitted their answers.

Eggman sighed and read the first card. "My newest robot, **The Egg Tentacle Porn!** "

Sonic made a face. "Eggman, if you could keep your weird fetishes to yourself, please and thank you."

"I don't- nevermind. My newest robot, **The Egg Dickfingers!** "

"Seriously, we don't need to know this much about your personal life."

"You're the ones playing these cards! My newest robot, **The Egg SOAP Shoes!** "

"I've tried those before. Real good for rail grinding." Sonic reminisced.

"My newest robot, **The Egg Vikings!** Now there's an actual idea!" Eggman's eyes glazed over as he began thinking about designs.

"I have a better idea, how about you just retire?" Shadow suggested.

"I'm not giving up! I'll win one day!" Making a mental note to return to Viking robots later, Eggman continued the game. "My newest robot, **The Egg Hormone Injections!** "

Sonic now looked horrified. "Eggman, whatever kind of weird robot orgy you have planned, stop it."

Eggman took a deep breath. "My newest robot, **The Egg An IQ of 300!** Why would I need a robot with an IQ of 300, when I already have that? The winner is **Vikings.** "

Silver took the card.

Amy drew the next one. " **_ is a slippery slope that leads to _.** "

Everyone selected their answers.

" **Waiting till marriage is a slippery slope that leads to a thermonuclear detonation**."

"Wow, that's intense." Silver said.

Rouge, meanwhile, found this extremely hilarious.

" **Grind rails is a slippery slope that leads to a fading away into nothingness**. **An icepick lobotomy is a slippery slope that leads to some god damn peace and quiet.** "

Shadow nodded. "Yes. Especially if the one lobotomized is Sonic."

Eggman made another mental note.

" **Savagely beating a mascot is a slippery slope that leads to being rich**."

"How does beating someone result in being rich?" Knuckles asked.

"Easy. You just take their wallet afterwards." Rouge answered.

Knuckles looked at her. "You've done that before, haven't you?"

"Only twice."

" **Doing the right thing is a slippery slope that leads to coat hanger abortions**."

"Sounds like someone doesn't understand what the right thing is." Said Sonic.

Shadow crossed his arms and closed his eyes. "Sometimes doing the right thing means doing dark stuff."

" **Necrophilia is a slippery slope that leads to running out of semen**."

"Well… I guess that would happen sometimes." Silver said.

"Ugrrh! These are all horrible! I guess I'll give it to **savagely beating a mascot** and **being rich**."

Shadow took his prize. "This is the beginning of another win streak."

"We'll see about that!" Sonic drew the next card…

 **Current Score**

 **Sonic: 6**

 **Knuckles: 5**

 **Rouge: 8**

 **Shadow: 9**

 **Silver: 8**

 **Eggman: 5**

 **Amy: 8**


	8. Chapter 8

Cards Against Mobians

" **What happens when all the Chaos Emeralds are brought together?** " Sonic read. "I'm pretty sure you go super."

Everyone submitted an answer.

Sonic began reading them. " **Friendly fire.** **Ghosts**."

"This is why I keep telling you guys not to be so reckless with the Emeralds!" Knuckles admonished.

"We haven't killed anyone!" Sonic protested. "Or at least I haven't. Shadow?"

"I've probably killed a dozen people by now."

Deciding that Shadow was _probably_ being sarcastic, Sonic continued. " **Waking up half-naked in a Denny's parking lot.** "

"You guys do have a tendency to pass out after using those Emeralds." Amy remarked.

" **The female orgasm**."

"I can confirm this is true for Rouge." Shadow said.

"Is not!" She argued and then thought. "Okay, maybe once."

" **Silver in a dress**. Is that your new super form, Silver?"

"No!"

" **Leveling up**."

"That… actually makes a lot of sense." Silver said thoughtfully.

"I'll give it to… **Silver in a dress**." Sonic decided.

Amy took the card.

Knuckles drew the next card. " **And the Academy Award for _ goes to _**."

"No good cards again!" Rouge whined and spent several minutes looking them over before finally choosing a pair.

"The award for **half-assed foreplay** goes to **pingas**."

Eggman facepalmed. "Of all the stupid memes…"

"Hey, it's your fault it exists, Eggman." Sonic pointed out. "You have no one to blame but yourself."

"If there's a card in here about me knowing 'da way' I'm burning this game." Knuckles stated empathically. "The award for **lickings things to claim them as your own** goes to **Nazis**."

Sonic mockingly shook his fist. "Those goddamn Nazis are their licking everything."

"The award for **passive-aggressive Post-it notes** goes to **Professor Gerald**."

"I'm not surprised." Eggman stated.

"The award for **police brutality** goes to **raptor attacks**."

"If the police are using raptors, then yeah they're going to be overly brutal." Shadow said.

"The award for **alcoholism** goes to **my inner demons**."

Amy held up her hands. "Whoa, too real."

"The award for **a really cool hat** goes to **the pirate's life**."

"Pirates do have really cool hats." Silver commented.

"I agree. That's why this one wins." Knuckles pronounced.

"I'm winning!" Amy cheered.

Rouge drew the next card. " **Tails upgraded the Tornado so that it's now capable of _.** "  
Everyone put down a card.

"The Tornado is now capable of **shitting out a screaming face**."

Knuckles looked disturbed. "Why would anything ever be designed to do that?"

"The Tornado is now capable of **ominous background music**."

"Good choice. I've been thinking about doing something similar to the Eggmobile."

"The Tornado is now capable of **becoming a blueberry**."

"That's… an interesting design choice." Amy said slowly.

"The Tornado is now capable of **throwing a virgin into a volcano**."

"Sonic, I think you should keep a closer eye on what Tails is up to." Shadow advised.

"No, you guys are thinking about this wrong." Sonic corrected. "The virgin clearly refers to Eggman!"

The mobians cracked up while Eggman glowered.

"The Tornado is now capable of **being a dick to children**. I see several problems with that." Rouge remarked.

"I think it's perfect." Eggman grinned.

"The Tornado is now capable of **a falcon with a cap on its head**."

Knuckles scratched his head. "Uh… okay?"

" **Throwing a virgin into a volcano** wins."

"It's my win streak now!" Amy declared.

Shadow drew the next card and smirked at Sonic. " **Why does Sonic have no chest fluff?** "

Everyone quickly chose a card.

"Sonic has no chest fluff because of **a defective condom**."

"So, Sonic has an STD." Eggman sneered.

"I do not!"

"Sonic has no chest fluff because of **pedophiles**."

"…That has worrying implications." Knuckles said.

"Sonic has no chest fluff because of **finger painting**."

"Yeah." Silver agreed. "When I finger paint, it gets in my fluff too."

"Sonic has no chest fluff because of **jerking off into a pool of children's tears**."

"What exactly does that have to do with chest fluff?" Rouge asked.

"Sonic has no chest fluff because of **famine**. With all the chili dogs he eats? Doubt it. Sonic has no chest fluff because of **horrifying laser hair removal accidents**. That has to be the most perfect response to this question."

"Look. I want it to be known that not having chest fluff is a _personal choice_ , to maximize speed and I also find that I look better without it." Sonic indignantly stated. "Now gimme that card."

Shadow continued smirking as he handed it over.

Silver picked the next question. " **What does Big the Cat use for fishing bait?** "

Answers were quickly chosen.

"Big uses **a balanced breakfast** for fishing bait."

"Sounds like pretty tempting bait to me." Sonic commented.

"Big uses **anal beads** for fishing bait."

"Exactly what kind of fish is he trying to catch?" Knuckles questioned.

"Big uses **sniffing glue** for fishing bait."

"That's stupid. The glue would just melt into the water and pollute it." Shadow said judgmentally.

"Big uses **man meat** for fishing bait. Big uses **poor people** for fishing bait. Big uses **dead babies** for fishing bait. I'm seeing a disturbing theme here."

"I always suspected that he was a serial killer." Shadow stated.

"I'll give it to **a balanced breakfast**." Silver decided.

Rouge claimed the card.

Eggman drew the next question. " **Dear Sir or Madam, We regret to inform you that the Office of _ has denied your request for _.** "

Everyone took several moments to choose their answers.

"The Office of **Centaurs** has denied your request for **my balls on your face**."

Sonic made a face. "Yikes! Who requested that?"

"Not only have we denied your request, we are also recommending you see a therapist." Shadow deadpanned.

"The Office of **Blaze** has denied your request for **giving birth to the Antichrist**."

"What the hell?" Silver exclaimed.

"Yeah, sorry man. Your request has been denied." Knuckles said with a straight face.

"What? No! I didn't request that!"

"The Office of **the Freedom Fighters** has denied your request for **solving problems with violence**."

Shadow sighed. "Damn."

"The Office of **Black Doom** has denied your request for **a gentle caress of the inner thigh**. Well no shit that was denied! The Office of **the Chaotix** has denied your request for **dead parents**."

"Of course not, they're a detective agency not an assassin's guild!" Knuckles said with exasperation, then paused to think. "Well, okay Espio used to be, but not anymore!"

"The Office of **Omochao's pro tips** has denied your request for **silence**."

Laughter enveloped the table.

"Well the winner here is obvious. Who played this pair?"

"Me!" Amy grinned and added the card to her collection before drawing the next one. " **Hedgehogs like _**."

Rouge spent minutes trying to choose between two cards. "They're both so good!"

"Just pick one already!" Eggman shouted.

"Fine! That one!"

Amy picked up the completed set of answers and began reading them. " **Hedgehogs like snooping**."

"They certainly do." Eggman muttered.

" **Hedgehogs like sexual peeing**."

"Sonic, we do not share in your fetishes." Shadow said bluntly.

"I don't- Grrr!" Sonic gave up and lapsed into sulking.

" **Hedgehogs like giving 110%.** "

"Well, we do go above and beyond." Silver remarked.

" **Hedgehogs like a fat, bald man from the internet**."

"So… Eggman?" Knuckles asked.

"I disagree strongly." Shadow expressed.

The other hedgehogs at the table nodded.

" **Hedgehogs like overpowering your father**."

"That was a good time." Shadow reminisced.

" **Hedgehogs like Cards Against Mobians**."

"I don't know. I'm having some pretty mixed feelings about it." Sonic said.

" **I pick giving 110%**!" Amy declared.

"Biased." Rouge called out.

"Says you." Shadow retorted as he took his prize.

 **Current Score**

 **Sonic: 7**

 **Knuckles: 5**

 **Rouge: 9**

 **Shadow: 10**

 **Silver: 8**

 **Eggman: 5**

 **Amy: 12**


	9. Chapter 9

Cards Against Mobians

Sonic eagerly grabbed the next card. " **Why is Shadow so angsty?** Yeah Shadow, why so angsty?"

"Because I'm surrounded by idiots."

Most turned their answers in quickly. Rouge was again stuck between two good cards while Shadow scowled at his own selection. Eventually, he ripped a blank page out of his book, wrote on it, and turned that in.

"Um, I don't think you're allowed to do that Shadow."

"I don't care."

Sonic rolled his eyes. "Well let's just get this out of the way. **Because of you assholes**. Predictable. Anyway, on to the real answers. Shadow is angsty because of **emotions**."

"That's sounds about right." Rouge agreed.

"Shadow is angsty because of **a pyramid of severed heads**."

"I have a bad feeling that Shadow actually has one of those." Silver said.

"Shadow is angsty because of **a lifetime of sadness**." Sonic thought about making a joke, then decided that it was a bad idea. "Shadow is angsty because of **sexual humiliation**."

Everyone started to giggle, but it was quickly cut off when Shadow said, "Whoever played that card is getting their head added to my pyramid."

"Shadow is angsty because of **an endless stream of diarrhea**."

Shadow prepare to throw his book again and everyone remained silent.

"…Shadow, I'm willing to give you the win if you put the book away." Sonic offered.

Shadow stowed the book with his other luggage and collected the black card.

Somewhat hesitantly, Knuckles drew the next card. " **What's there a ton of in heaven?** "

There was a general air of relief as answers were chosen.

" **Repression.** "

"I knew the idea of a magical land of happiness was too good to be true." Shadow sighed.

" **The gays**. **Crumbs all over the god damn carpet**."

"People in heaven need to get their shit together." Rouge commented.

" **Tasteful sideboob**. **Moral ambiguity.** **Sonic Adventure 3**. Of course!" Knuckles exclaimed. "It's too good for this world! That's why it's in heaven and not here!"

Shadow nodded. "People don't deserve it."

"That's my card!" Sonic cried happily.

Rouge read the question. " **Well if you'll excuse me, gentlemen, I have a date with _.** "

"That's cool, but what's the card say?" Sonic said in his smartass way.

Rouge simply got on with reading the answers. " **The boners of the elderly**."

"Rouge, are you going gold-digging?" Shadow asked suspiciously.

Rouge leaned towards him. "Remember, you qualify as an elderly person."

Shadow harrumphed, and Rouge continued. " **BATMAN!** He's rich and decently good-looking, sounds like a good date to me."

"Isn't one dark, angsty hero enough for you?" Knuckles asked.

" **RoboCop**. Omega's going to be so jealous. That's his favorite movie. **Spectacular abs**."

"No one in particular? Just abs?" Silver asked.

"Not just any abs. _Spectacular_ abs. Those are much rarer. **Just the tip**."

"Well is it the abs or just the tip? Pick one." Sonic said.

" **The homosexual agenda**."

"Are you secretly a lesbian?" Amy asked.

"As if. The winner is **BATMAN!** "

"That's mine!" Eggman gloated.

As everyone was refilling their hands, the stack of fresh answer cards ran out, so Sonic reshuffled the discarded answers into a new stack.

With that, Shadow became judge. " **Knuckles, Guardian of _.** "

White cards were turned in for inspection.

" **Knuckles, Guardian of Menstrual Rage**."

Everyone found this hilarious except for Knuckles.

" **Knuckles, Guardian of Rap Music**."

"Now that's more like it." Knuckles huffed.

" **Knuckles, Guardian of A Live Studio Audience.** "

"I think there's slightly more important things you could be guarding there, Knucklehead."

" **Knuckles, Guardian of** **A Time Travel Paradox**. **Knuckles, Guardian of** **Pictures of Boobs**."

"You got a big porn stash somewhere? You should show me sometime." Sonic grinned.

Amy gave Sonic a death glare.

" **Knuckles, Guardian of Amy's life-size doll of Sonic that she keeps in her closet for totally legitimate, non-creepy reasons**."

Amy flushed bright red. "What!? How did they-" She cut herself off realizing she'd revealed too much.

"Amy, is there something you want to share with the rest of us?" Rouge asked sweetly.

Amy just stared down at the table and didn't answer.

"If anyone cares, **menstrual rage** wins." Shadow announced.

"I do because that's my card." Rouge said.

" **Step 1: _. Step 2: _. Step 3: Profit**." Silver read.

"Sounds like the details of Eggman's latest plan." Sonic remarked.

Silver began to read. " **Step 1: My sex life. Step 2: Permanent Orgasm-Face Disorder. Step 3: Profit.** "

"So your plan is to become a sex worker? Good luck with that, Silver." Rouge smiled at him.

"No! I don't! Never mind. Ahem, **Step 1: Evil ham. Step 2: drinking out of the toilet and eating garbage. Step 3: Profit.** "

"Makes perfect sense." Sonic muttered sarcastically.

" **Step 1: Sonic's razor quills. Step 2: Battlefield amputations. Step 3: Profit**."

Sonic blinked. "That sounds more like Shadow's thing. You should ask him instead."

" **Step 1: Puppies! Step 2: Establishing dominance. Step 3: Profit**."

"You're going to open a dog training school? That's so cute!" Amy squealed.

" **Step 1: Original Character do not steal! Step 2: Catapults. Step 3: Profit.** "

Shadow straightened with sudden interest. "Please tell me this is a business that gets rid of stupid OCs by launching them out of catapults."

" **Step 1: Seeing Eggman naked. Step 2: Masturbation. Step 3: Profit**."

"Whoa Silver! You Masturbate to Eggman?" Sonic exclaimed.

"NO!" Silver shrieked. "NONONO!"

"Good, because I'd be horrified if you did." Eggman grumbled.

"I pick the one about opening a dog training school!" Silver cried. "I am definitely scarred for life now…"

Rouge took the black card.

Eggman was next. " **My plan for world domination begins with _**."

Sonic rolled his eyes. "Stop taking about your plans and read the card, Eggman."

"That is the card!"

Everyone chose their answers

" **My plan for world domination begins with getting naked and watching Nickelodeon**."

"And then Silver can masturbate to it." Shadow added.

"Gah!" Silver slammed his face down on the table.

" **My plan for world domination begins with a Super Soaker full of cat pee.** "

"You know, Eggman, you've come up with some really stupid plans before, but this is just pathetic." Sonic opined

Glaring, Eggman continued. " **My plan for world domination begins with historical revisionism**."

"Didn't you try that before and fail miserably?" Knuckles asked.

Glaring harder, Eggman moved on. " **My plan for world domination begins with NIDS**."

"Don't. Even. Think about it." Shadow growled.

" **My plan for world domination begins with completely unwarranted confidence**."

The others howled with laughter.

Eggman slammed his palms against the table and stood abruptly. "LISTEN HERE YOU FUCKING SMARTASS RODENTS! I HAVE TWELVE PHDs! I UNDERSTAND CONCEPTS YOU COULDN'T EVEN BEGIN TO GRASP! I HAVE CREATED THE MOST ADVANCED MACHINES THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN! SO IF YOU LITTLE PESTS THINK THAT YOUR FEW LUCKY VICTORIES MEAN ANYTHING, THEN YOU ARE THE ONES WITH COMPLETELY UNWARRANTED CONFIDENCE!"

With that, Eggman blew out a breath and dropped back into his seat.

Sonic gave him an apologetic look. "Sorry, I was too busy laughing. What did you say?"

Eggman grumbled and angerly read the last card. " **My plan for world domination begins with Sonic's gambling addiction.** "

"So, your plan is to beat Sonic in a game of poker or something?" Rouge wondered.

Eggman thought about this for a moment. "Actually, that's not a bad idea. How about we raise the stakes of this game?"

Sonic did look interested. "What do you have in mind, Egghead?"

Eggman left the table for a moment and came back with a Chaos Emerald.

"I know you all have the other six. Whoever has the most cards at the end of this game, gets to keep all seven Emeralds."

"I am so for this!" Rouge proclaimed.

"Me too." Knuckles said.

Silver and Amy also placed their Emeralds on the table.

Shadow facepalmed. "Fools. You're seriously betting Chaos Emeralds on a game of cards? Especially you, Knuckles. You're losing!"

"Relax Shads. It's only a problem if Eggman wins. And right now, Amy's got twice as many cards as him." Sonic lifted his eyebrows invitingly.

Shadow sighed. "Fine. But when I win, none of you are allowed to have the Emeralds ever again."

"Okay, Eggman. We're all in. Now who wins this card?" Sonic asked.

"The one who played **Sonic's gambling addiction** and gave me this great idea!"

Silver sheepishly raised his hand.

Amy drew the next card. " **One of Gerald's prototypes for the Ultimate Lifeform was _.** "

Answers were chosen.

"A prototype for the Ultimate Lifeform was **Sonic**. That would explain why the two of you look so alike."

"We do not look alike!" Sonic shouted. "I am way more handsome!"

"I was created before Sonic's parents were even born. This answer is impossible." Shadow condemned.

"A prototype for the Ultimate Lifeform was **Silver**."

"Just how much time traveling have you done?" Knuckles demanded.

Silver shrugged. "It's hard to tell anymore. But don't think I've gone that far back…"

"A prototype for the Ultimate Lifeform was **an AR-15 assault rifle**."

"Yeah, I remember that one. I think I saw him teaming up with Shadow a while ago." Rouge mused.

"A prototype for the Ultimate Lifeform was **a stray pube**."

"He should have stuck with that! It's so much better than what we have now!" Sonic exclaimed.

"You should know I brought that AR-15 assault rifle with me." Shadow casually mentioned.

"They let you bring that after what happened last year?" Amy gasped.

"They tried to stop me, but they changed their minds when I pointed it at them. Funny how that works."

Amy decided it was best to just move on. "A prototype for the Ultimate Lifeform was **Fleetway Super Sonic**."

"I can see why Gerald abandoned that one." Silver said.

"Oh sure, because the one we have now is so much more mentally stable." Knuckles scathingly remarked. "I'm sure Fleetway wouldn't bring a rifle to the Olympics."

"A prototype for the Ultimate Lifeform was **bio-engineered assault turtles with acid breath**."

Eggman's moustache twitched with interest. "That's a good idea, let me write that down."

"I pick **Sonic** because he's my ultimate!" Amy gushed.

"I thought so." Knuckles remarked. "Gimme."

 **Current Score:**

 **Sonic: 8**

 **Knuckles: 6**

 **Rouge: 11**

 **Shadow: 11**

 **Silver: 9**

 **Eggman: 6**

 **Amy: 12**


	10. Chapter 10

**Edit: Fixed a minor error**

Cards Against Mobians

" **When I was tripping on acid, _ turned into _**." Sonic read.

Shadow seemed to have a hard time deciding on an answer.

" **The DAMN forth Chaos Emerald** turned into **Dark Sonic**. **Black Doom** turned into **Chaos Blast**."

"No, Chaos Blast turned Black Doom into a pile of mush." Shadow corrected.

" **The ooze** turned into **a magic talking sword**."

"Was the ooze the leftovers of Black Doom?" Silver asked.

" **Sexy pillow fights** turned into **the miracle of childbirth**."

"That must have been one sexy pillow fight." Rouge mused.

" **Bill Nye the Science Guy** turned into **the Eggmobile.** Eggman turned Bill Nye into the Eggmobile!?" Sonic exclaimed. "We should have known. **Still being a virgin** turned into **teenage pregnancy**. Whoa! And this is why you shouldn't do drugs."

"Enough with the PSAs. Who wins?" Shadow demanded.

"This last one wins."

"Yay!" Cheered Amy.

Knuckles drew the next card. " **What don't you want to find in your chili dogs?** "

Answers were placed before Knuckles.

" **Poopy diapers**."

Sonic's face twisted in disgust. "I agree."

" **Mouth herps**. **Flying sex snakes**."

"Are you guys trying to ruin chili dogs for me?"

" **Hedgehog chest fluff**."

"And there it is. You've ruined chili dogs for me. I hope you're happy." Sonic pouted.

" **Land mines**."

"That's another great idea!"

"Don't bother Eggman, chili dogs are already ruined forever."

" **Sonic. exe**."

"Now that would be horrifying." Amy shivered.

"I pick… **mouth herps**." Knuckles decided.

"Soon those Emeralds will be mine!" Eggman laughed.

Rouge was next. " **_. It's a trap!** "

White cards were placed down.

" **Full frontal nudity. It's a trap!** It's true, I've used that myself."

"How many times has Knuckles fallen for it?" Sonic asked.

"At least five."

Knuckles sputtered.

" **Jobs. It's a trap!** "

"I agree." Eggman expressed. "Don't become part of the system."

" **A chao. It's a trap!** "

"The chao have betrayed us!" Sonic cried.

" **A windmill full of corpses. It's a trap!** "

"Well no shit." Shadow drawled.

" **Water levels. It's a trap!** "

Sonic shuddered. "Urg."

" **Child beauty pageants. It's a trap!** "

Shadow nodded. "That is so true."

"Yeah, this one wins."

"I'm on a roll!" Eggman bragged.

"Wow, you have eight cards, we're so concerned." Sonic laid the sarcasm on thick.

Shadow continued by drawing the next card. " **During sex, I like to think about _.** "

Everyone picked an answer.

" **During sex, I like to think about Mama Robotnik**." Shadow slapped a hand over his mouth, gagging.

Rouge rubbed his back. "Easy, there. Just breathe."

Once he recovered himself, Shadow flung the card away and quickly moved on to the next one. " **During sex, I like to think about dumbots**. That's much less disturbing. **During sex, I like to think about Knuckles on steroids.** Still better than… that other thing. **During sex, I like to think about the Trail of Tears**."

"Shadow, you've got some problems." Sonic stated.

"You're just now figuring this out? **During sex, I like to think about flying attack dolphins**."

"…Interesting thing to think about." Silver said carefully.

" **During sex, I like to think about Shadow.** "

"You like to think about yourself." Rouge said.

"Well, I am my favorite person. This card wins."

"That's mine!" Silver exclaimed and drew the next card. " **What made my first kiss so awkward?** "

"The fact that it never happened?" Shadow asked.

" **Third base**."

"Wow, Silver just cutting to the chase!" Sonic teased.

" **Silver in a dress**."

"It's just Silver making out with himself. Sad." Shadow intoned.

" **Dorito breath**."

"Rookie mistake, Silver." Knuckles chided.

" **Expecting a burp and vomiting on the floor**."

Amy made a face. "No one's going to kiss you after that."

" **A plunger to the face**."

"Um Silver, that doesn't count as a first kiss." Sonic giggled.

" **Goblins**."

"Into goblins, Silver?" Rouge asked.

Silver, who had been getting redder and redder in the face, mumbled, " **Dorito breath**."

"I'm making a comeback!" Knuckles declared.

Eggman pulled the next question. " **How did I lose my virginity?** "

Shadow looked green around the gills again.

"Easy Shads, we've already established that it never happened, remember?" Sonic said.

"That doesn't mean I want to think think about it!"

Answers were reluctantly provided.

" **Extremely realistic android replicas**."

"So you had to create an android to lose your virginity. That's about what I expected." Sonic said.

" **Teaching a robot to love**."

"You don't even know how to love." Shadow sniped.

" **Getting thrown into a wall forever**."

"I don't think that's how you lost your virginity. That's just what I want to see happen to you." Sonic admitted.

" **Getting really high**."

"They must have been _really_ high in order to think sex with you was a good idea." Rouge said.

" **Synergistic management solutions**. **Making the penises kiss**."

"You lost your virginity to gay sex." Silver stated.

"Yeah, we kinda knew. We just didn't want to talk about it." Sonic added.

"… **Synergistic management solutions**." Eggman grumbled.

"I'll take that card." Said Amy and drew another. " **Rouge was arrested after she was caught stealing the Great Crystal _.** "

"Got arrested?" Rouge rolled her eyes. "Like that would ever happen."

" **The Great Crystal Balls**."

"That seems like something you would steal." Knuckles stated.

" **The Great Crystal MechaHitler**."

"Who would even make something like that?" Silver asked.

" **The Great Crystal Master Emerald**."

"I think that's the most realistic answer we've seen all game." Knuckles said.

" **The Great Crystal Spikes**. **The Great Crystal Amy's Hammer**. How dare you! **The Great Crystal Chili Dogs**."

Sonic looked betrayed. "How could you?"

"Knuckles is right. **The Master Emerald** is the most realistic response to this question."

"Naturally." Shadow took the card.

"My turn again!" Sonic announced, and drew the next one…

 **Current Score:**

 **Sonic: 8**

 **Knuckles: 7**

 **Rouge: 11**

 **Shadow: 12**

 **Silver: 10**

 **Eggman: 8**

 **Amy: 14**


	11. Chapter 11

Cards Against Mobians

" **_: kid-tested, mother-approved**."

Everyone considered their options briefly before answering.

" **The Werehog: kid-tested, mother-approved**. At least _someone_ approves of the Werehog." Sonic grumbled. " **Unfathomable stupidity: kid-tested, mother-approved**."

"And this is why humanity is failing." Shadow put bluntly.

"This is why the world needs me!" Eggman declared.

" **Falling through the atmosphere… and living: kid-tested, mother-approved**."

"Well… if they live, that's something to approved of, right?" Amy suggested.

"What poor kid did they use to test this?" Silver asked.

" **Bad fanfiction: kid-tested, mother-approved**."

"Bad fanfiction has my seal of disapproval." Shadow sniped.

" **Coat hanger abortions: kid-tested, mother-approved**."

There was an awkward silence.

"Well… it is true." Rouge pointed out.

"Um… **court-ordered rehab: kid-tested, mother-approved**." Sonic hurriedly moved on to choosing a winner. "I pick **the werehog**."

Silver took the card.

Knuckles took his turn. " **Sonic, the fastest _ alive**."

"Oh no." Sonic moaned.

" **Sonic, the fastest vehicular manslaughter alive**. Sonic, stop running people over!" Knuckles scolded.

"I don't run people over!"

" **Sonic, the fastest Eggman alive**."

"What? Bullshit!" Sonic cried.

Everyone just laughed at him.

" **Sonic, the fastest Light Gaia alive**. **Sonic, the fastest god alive**. One of these is Sonic's and the other is Amy's."

"…You can't prove that." Sonic mumbled.

" **Sonic, the fastest insatiable bloodlust alive**."

"No, I'm pretty sure that's Shadow's thing. Please stop getting us mixed up."

" **Sonic the fastest hot cheese alive**."

"Anyone got any chips?" Rouge asked.

"I'll give it to **Eggman**."

"Mine!" Rouge sang.

"That doesn't even make sense." Eggman complained.

Rouge became judge. " **Instead of coal, Santa now gives the bad children _.** "

The white cards were placed before her.

"The bad children get **a disappointing birthday party**."

"How terrible!" Amy exclaimed.

"Wouldn't giving them a disappointing Christmas make more sense?" Sonic asked.

"The bad children get **my inner demons**."

"I think Santa's looking for an excuse to dump those off on somebody." Knuckles said.

"The bad children get **assless chaps**."

Shadow looked suspicious. "I think Santa has some ulterior motives here."

"The bad children get **Angel Island**."

"That sound more like a reward than a punishment." Silver mused.

"No, it's a punishment. They get banished there so they have to spend all their time with Knuckles and he's a terrible conversationalist." Sonic explained.

"Sounds more like a punishment for me!" Knuckles was horrified by the idea of naughty children all over his island.

"The bad children get **a roundhouse kick to the head**."

"Yeah, that'll teach 'em." Shadow nodded.

"The bad children get **a tornado carrying a car**. I have to go with **a roundhouse kick to the head.** "

"I'm catching up!" Eggman grinned as he took the card.

"Don't get too excited, Eggman." Shadow drew the next card. " **Shadow hates everything except _.** "

Knuckles considered his cards, glancing between them and Shadow, before hesitantly playing the card that had been in his position since the very beginning of the game.

"I hate everything except **fangirls**. No, I'm pretty sure I hate them too."

"You need to be nicer to your fans, dude." Sonic remarked.

"I hate everything except **Sonic Adventure 3**. I hate the fact that it hasn't been made yet. I hate everything except **Baldy McNosehair**. Definitely not. I hate everything except **me time**."

"That's not true!" Sonic exclaimed. "You love hanging out with us, right?"

Shadow glared at him for several seconds and then moved on. "I hate everything except **Shadow being the coolest**. Well this one's obviously the winner."

"Wait, there's still one more card." Knuckles pointed to the white card still on the table.

"Alright, but there's no way-" Shadow stared at the card.

The table was silent for a long moment, with most of its occupants wondering if they should flee while they still had a chance.

Shadow slowly faced Knuckles. "That… was a cheap move."

"Enough with the suspense!" Sonic blurted. "What's the card say?"

" **Shadow hates everything except Maria.** " Knuckles stated proudly.

"Take it." Shadow said, throwing the card at Knuckles.

Silver took his turn. " **_. High five, bro**."

"I'm more of a fist bump kind of guy." Sonic said.

White cards were selected. " **Civilian casualties. High five, bro**."

"Silver, no one's going to high five you for being a mass murderer." Amy scolded.

" **Perfect Chaos. High five, bro**."

"So, when Perfect Chaos attacked Station Square, your response was to go for a high five." Knuckles said flatly.

"I wasn't actually there, you know. **Gladiatorial combat. High five, bro**."

"Silver, it occurs to me that you might be a messed-up person." Sonic said.

"Considering the future he comes from, it's not surprising. In fact, a giant water monster would be just what they need." Shadow pointed out.

" **Endless possibilities. High five, bro**. **The real super power of teamwork! High five, bro.** "

"Silver's finally figured out stuff that's worth high fiving over." Knuckles sniped.

" **Grave robbing. High five, bro**."

"And now we're back to the fucked-up shit." Shadow observed.

"I'll high five that." Rouge offered.

"Of course you would." Knuckles muttered.

"Well… in the apocalyptic future I had to resort to… certain things in order to survive." Silver high fived Rouge.

"You're a sick person, Silver. You need help." Eggman stated.

"Like you have any room to talk." Sonic said.

" **Grave robbing** wins." Silver decided.

"And you being a sick person benefits me." Eggman grinned and drew the next card. " **What's that sound?** "

There was shuffling as everyone put down an answer.

" **Active listening**. That doesn't make any sense. **Suicidal thoughts**. Keep your suicidal thoughts to yourself."

"You're a bad person, Eggman." Sonic stated.

" **Concealing a boner**."

"Well, if you're making noise, you're not doing a very good job." Knuckles said.

" **Chaos**. **The computer room.** **Shadow on a motorcycle.** Hmmm. **Chaos** is very noisy, so it wins."

"That's mine!" Knuckles said and took the card.

Amy became judge. " **What will always get you laid?** "

"Looking for tips, Amy?" Rouge teased.

Amy blushed, but just got on with reading the answers. " **Having a penis**. **Growing a pair**."

"Well, you're out of luck then." Shadow shrugged.

" **Being rich**."

"Yep. Sex-change surgeries are expensive." Rouge nodded.

By this point, Amy was blushing so thoroughly that she resembled Knuckles. " **An asymmetric boob job**."

"Might as well have that done while you're getting a penis." Shadow advised.

" **72 virgins**."

"With that many, one of them is bound to say yes." Sonic mused.

" **Fakers**."

"Just pretend to be someone who's cooler than you. Makes sense." Silver said thoughtfully.

"I pick **72 virgins**." Amy mumbled.

Shadow smirked and accepted the card.

 **Current Score**

 **Sonic: 8**

 **Knuckles: 9**

 **Rouge: 12**

 **Shadow: 13**

 **Silver: 10**

 **Eggman: 11**

 **Amy: 14**


	12. Chapter 12

Cards Against Mobians

" **I never understood _ until I encountered _**." Sonic read.

Everyone took the time to ponder the question before choosing their answers.

" **I never understood froggy until I encountered the Force**."

"So froggy's a Jedi?" Rouge guessed.

"Or a Sith." Added Shadow.

" **I never understood mad hacky-sack skills until I encountered BATMAN!** Well that just goes without saying **.** **I never understood a micropenis until I encountered Eggman's ass**."

"No understanding is worth encountering Eggman's ass." Knuckles insisted.

" **I never understood bitches until I encountered the Boy Scouts of America**. **I never understood child abuse until I encountered until I encountered Jet**."

"He's a child so terrible, that he makes child abuse look like an appropriate reaction. Makes sense to me." Shadow remarked.

" **I never understood revenge fucking until I encountered Dark Gaia**. I certainly didn't learn that when I met him." Sonic mulled over the options. "I gotta give it to **mad hacky-sack skills** and **BATMAN!** "

"I win!" Silver reached eagerly for the card.

Knuckles grabbed the next card. " **A romantic, candle lit dinner would be incomplete without _**."

Everyone chose a card.

"A romantic dinner would be incomplete without **getting married, having a few kids, buying some stuff, retiring to Florida, and dying.** "

"Geez, slow down!" Silver appeared overwhelmed.

"A romantic dinner would be incomplete without **boosting off a cliff**."

"So in other words, it's incomplete without Sonic bailing as quickly as possible." Shadow clarified.

"A romantic dinner would be incomplete without **doing crimes**."

"Knuckles, I don't think you understand what a romantic, candle lit dinner is." Sonic said patronizingly.

"I dunno, I'd kinda like a dinner date like that." Rouge opposed.

"A romantic dinner would be incomplete without **avoiding Amy like the plague**."

Amy pouted.

"A romantic dinner would be incomplete without **fiery poops**."

"Maybe you need to reconsider the kind of dinner you're eating." Sonic suggested.

"A romantic dinner would be incomplete without **the Chao garden**."

"Okay, now that sounds like a nice place to have dinner, maybe a picnic." Silver mused.

"I agree. This one wins."

"I win, I win!" Rouge snatched the card and drew the next one. " **I learned the hard way that you can't cheer up a grieving friend with _.** "

White cards were tossed down.

"You can't cheer up a grieving friend with **shipping**."

"No, that only makes the problem worse." Sonic agreed.

"You can't cheer up a grieving friend with **explosions**. You can if it's Omega you're trying to cheer up. You can't cheer up a grieving friend with **scrotum tickling**. You can't cheer up a grieving friend with **lumberjack fantasies**. You can't cheer up a grieving friend with **cybernetic enhancements**."

"How could that not cheer someone up?" Eggman asked earnestly.

"You can't cheer up a grieving friend with **my collection of high-tech sex toys**."

"Yeah, Rouge tried that with me once. It did not end well." Shadow revealed.

"Did you really have to break them _all_ though? They were expensive!"

Knuckles held up his hands. "Whoa there! Too much info!"

"Anyway, since it's based on a true story, this card wins."

Silver, looking a bit regretful, took the card.

" **How am I maintaining my relationship status?** " Shadow read.

"By being an asshole who pushes away anyone who tries to get close to you?" Sonic suggested.

"That sounds about right." Rouge agreed.

"Just give me your fucking answers." Shadow growled.

They obliged.

" **Glitches**."

"If you're in a relationship, it has to be a glitch." Sonic snarked.

" **A web of lies**."

"In other words, you're just lying about your relationship status." Sonic reasoned.

" **Sexual tension**."

Sonic opened his mouth to say something, but then snapped it shut when Shadow glared at him and hissed, "Don't you fucking dare."

" **Fading away into nothingness**."

"Pretty sure that would end the relationship." Knuckles commented.

" **Shadow's poor memory**."

"So, by constantly forgetting that you're even in a relationship." Sonic continued to tease.

 _Hopefully that means I'll forget all about this game_. Shadow thought to himself, and then continued. " **Omochao's pro tips**."

"Taking advice from Omochao? No wonder you're still single!" Sonic laughed.

Shadow slowly stood up, walked away from the table, went over to his luggage, pulled out his assault rifle, and calmly walked back to the table. "Anything else you want to say, Sonic?"

"Nope. No, I'm done."

"Was that really necessary?" Rouge asked.

"Well I would have gotten the book instead, but I made a deal for this black card. Anyway, **fading away into nothingness** wins."

Eggman laughed triumphantly.

Silver drew the next question. " **G.U.N. now interrogates enemy agents by repeatedly subjecting them to _**."

Sonic looked at his card and shuddered before turning it in.

" **G.U.N. now interrogates enemy agents by repeatedly subjecting them to dry heaving.** **G.U.N. now interrogates enemy agents repeatedly subjecting them to Shadow's rocket shoes.** "

"Do they really?" Amy asked.

"Well that's not how they typically do it, but that's how I did it once." Shadow answered.

" **G.U.N. now interrogates enemy agents by repeatedly subjecting them to the Phantom Ruby.** "

Eggman nodded. "The Phantom Ruby is great for that! Sonic, you remember those times we had with the Phantom Ruby?"

Sonic cringed.

"Don't make me hammer you again." Amy threatened.

" **G.U.N. now interrogates enemy agents by repeatedly subjecting them to the ultimate power.** "

"If they subjected prisoners to that, they would just die." Shadow said.

" **G.U.N. now interrogates enemy agents by repeatedly subjecting them to drowning music.** "

Sonic cringed again.

" **G.U.N. now interrogates enemy agents by repeatedly subjecting them to G.U.N.** "

"You're just forced to hang out with them?" Knuckles questioned.

"They're not trying to get information, they're just looking for friends!" Amy explained.

"I pick **drowning music**." Silver decided.

"I will destroy you all!" Eggman claimed as he took the card. He drew the next and read, " **Why do I hurt all over?** Well let's see, I was hit in the face by Shadow's book, bashed in the head by Amy's hammer, and mauled by Knuckles."

"And you deserved all of it." Shadow sniped.

Eggman grumbled and got on with reading the answers. " **Convenient weak spots**."

"Every part of your body is a weak spot." Shadow deadpanned.

"The only strength I need is in my brain." Eggman shot back. " **Chainsaws for hands**. **Super Shadow**."

"That will be the case when I win all those Emeralds."

" **Erectile dysfunction**. **Dying."**

"Well if you still hurt, you're not quite there yet." Silver remarked.

" **Mom**." Eggman stared at the card.

He didn't speak. He didn't move. He even stopped breathing. Eggman's mind was a thousand miles away.

"Egghead!" Sonic called. "Yo, Egghead! You still in there?"

Eggman snapped back to reality. "Um, **dying** wins."

"That's mine!" Knuckles declared.

"You okay, Egghead?" Sonic asked. "It looked like you were having a moment there or something."

"I was just… thinking about something. It's not important!" Eggman snapped.

"Okay… your turn Amy!"

" **Where does Rouge hide her stolen treasure?** "

Everyone turned in a card.

" **Special Stages**."

"So, you just put it back where we originally found it?" Knuckles demanded.

" **A cooler full of organs**."

"If you have a cooler full of organs, you've probably done worse things than stealing treasure." Silver observed.

"It's actually Shadow's cooler, he just lets me borrow it."

" **Space Colony Ark**."

"So that's why there's a big stockpile of gems in Maria's room now." Shadow glared at Rouge.

"There were dozens of bedrooms up there! How was I supposed to know that one was hers?"

"So wait, you actually do keep treasure up there?" Knuckles asked incredulously.

"Well it _is_ a remote location with plenty of space and a great view." Rouge defended. "But now you guys know, so I'm gonna have to find a new one."

" **The Death Egg**."

"That's a great suggestion!" Rouge exclaimed.

"If you put it there, I'll find it." Eggman pointed out.

"You couldn't find a gem if it was dangling in front of your face!"

" **Eggman's fake moustache**."

Rouge grinned smugly. "I rest my case."

"You're going to be resting six feet under when I'm done with you."

" **Big Bird's brown, crusty asshole**."

"Well, no one's going to look for it in there." Sonic acknowledged.

"Well since it turned out to be real, **Space Colony Ark** wins." Amy announced and gave the card to Silver.

 **Current Score**

 **Sonic: 8**

 **Knuckles: 10**

 **Rouge: 13**

 **Shadow: 13**

 **Silver: 13**

 **Eggman: 13**

 **Amy: 14**


	13. Chapter 13

Cards Against Mobians

Sonic snatched up a question. " **I drink to forget _.** "

Shadow smiled, instantly knowing what card to play. Silver took a while to choose.

" **I drink to forget Eggman's robots.** Yeah, I want to forget how lame some of them are. **I drink to forget rolling around at the speed of sound**. Now why would I ever want to forget that? **I drink to forget Chris**."

"We all drink to forget Chris." Shadow admitted.

"Who's Chris?" Silver asked.

"Don't ask. Just consider yourself fortunate."

" **I drink to forget** **strict time limits**. I don't need alcohol to forget those. I already forget them because I'm the fastest thing alive! **I drink to forget Elise making out with your corpse**. Goddamnit! Not this again!"

Everyone laughed at him, including Shadow.

Sonic pointed at Shadow. "That was you, wasn't it!"

"Well, you do drink to forget it, don't you?"

Sonic couldn't argue with that, so he moved on. " **I drink to forget being a dick to children**. Hey, I am not a dick to children!"

"If that's so, then why isn't Tails playing with us?" Knuckles reminded him.

"Well he's-! He's not-! He can't-! Um… he's not that upset about being left out, right?"

"You let Eggman play with us." Shadow pointed out.

"I'll… apologize to him later. This card wins."

Eggman smirked and held out his hand for the card. "I believe this makes me tied for the lead."

Knuckles became judge. " **Doctor, you've gone too far! The human body wasn't meant to withstand that amount of _!** "

"Eggman, what have you done this time?" Sonic asked with exaggerated exasperation.

"The human body wasn't meant to withstand that amount of **poor life choices**!"

"That's what Eggman's therapist tells him." Sonic sniped.

"I don't have a therapist!"

"And it really shows."

"The human body wasn't meant to withstand that amount of **wisps**! The human body wasn't meant to withstand that amount of **tap dancing like there's no tomorrow**!"

"Yeah Doctor, no one wants to see you dance." Amy sniped.

"The human body wasn't meant to withstand that amount of **dead babies**! The human body wasn't meant to withstand that amount of **Sonic Boom**! Yeah, imagine if we were all locked in a room together and forced to watch Sonic Boom. That'd be horrible. The human body wasn't meant to withstand that amount of **erotic fanart**!"

"Yeah, no one wants to see that." Shadow said.

" **Sonic Boom** wins." Knuckles declared.

"That's mine!" Cried Silver.

Rouge picked up the next card. " **_ and Knuckles**."

Knuckles experienced a sinking feeling as everyone chose their answers.

" **A monkey smoking a cigar and Knuckles**."

"That your new sidekick Knuckles?" Sonic asked.

" **Darth Vader and Knuckles**."

"The team-up everyone's been waiting for!" Sonic exclaimed.

"And ended when Knuckles ate him." Shadow recalled.

Knuckles glared. "I hate you."

"And that's what makes you and Vader such a great team." Sonic grinned cheekily.

" **A big black dick and Knuckles**. That's the title of Knuckles's sex tape."

Knuckles slammed his face against the table so hard, a piece broke off.

" **Knuckles and Knuckles**."

Knuckles would have said that this was the greatest team that the world had ever seen, but he just wasn't in the mood.

" **Cards Against Mobians and Knuckles** "

Knuckles considered this the worst team-up ever.

Rouge looked at the final card and giggled. Knuckles immediately knew what this meant.

" **Being fat and stupid and Knuckles**."

Knuckles slammed his face into the table so hard, it broke in half.

"Aw, great! Fat, stupid Knuckles broke the table!" Sonic complained.

After stopping Knuckles from chocking the life out of Sonic and setting up at a new table, Rouge declared **Knuckles** the winner, mostly for the sake of calming him down. It helped that Knuckles was the one to play that card.

Shadow read the next card. " **That's right, I killed _. How, you ask? _.** "

"Yeah, we all had a feeling it was you." Silver said.

" **That's right, I killed a sad ugly chao. How, you ask? The seven Chaos Emeralds**."

"Isn't it a bit overkill to use all seven?" Sonic asked.

"Really? That's the part you question?' Amy demanded.

"Well I believe he would. Don't you?"

They looked at Shadow, who was still holding his assault rifle.

"…Okay, I believe."

Shadow rolled his eyes and kept going. " **That's right, I killed Amy. How you ask? A really cool hat.** "

"Amy, if Shadow ever gives you a cool looking hat, run away." Sonic warned.

" **That's right, I killed Nazis. How, you ask? The true meaning of Christmas**."

"I don't think you know what the true meaning of Christmas is." Silver commented.

" **That's right, I killed Professor Gerald**." Shadow loaded a round into the chamber of his rifle. " **How, you ask? Chaos Control**." Shadow glared at everyone and they all avoided eye contact. "Whoever played that has some serious balls. But when I find who that person is, I'll be sure to shoot them off. **That's right, I killed haters. How, you ask? Ribbon dancing**."

"That's right, you show them haters!" Rouge encouraged.

" **That's right, I killed Blaze**."

"What?" Silver screamed.

" **How, you ask? Wet dreams**."

"How does that even work?" Silver asked.

"She had a dream about me that was so wet, she drowned in it."

Silver flailed his arms while sputtering nonsense.

"Dude, relax. You know Blaze is in the next car over, right?" Sonic reminded him.

"Ye-yeah… I knew that!"

"Then why is your face redder than Knuckles?" Sonic questioned.

"Uhh… Shadow, who wins?"

"Well after that spectacular reaction, I'm tempted to give it to **Blaze** and **wet dreams**. But I think I'll go with **haters** and **ribbon dancing**. Sonic, you remember last time?"

Sonic's smile faltered. "Yeah… that was a… good time."

"Give me my card already!" Eggman demanded. "And I officially take the lead!"

Silver gulped and drew the next card. " **_. Good to the last drop**."

Everyone struggled to choose an answer.

" **One trillion dollars. Good to the last drop**. **Green Hill Zone.** **Good to the last drop**. **Solving problems with violence. Good to the last drop**. **Adventure! Good to the last drop. Self-loathing. Good to the last drop. A balanced breakfast. Good to the last drop.** Gosh, none of these are particularly interesting. I guess **self-loathing**?"

Sonic raised his hand. "That's mine."

Eggman grabbed the next card. " **A recently laboratory study shows that undergraduates have 50% less sex after being exposed to exposed to _.** "

Answers were quickly chosen.

"They have less sex after being exposed to **an evil man in evil cloths**."

"So, after being exposed to Eggman? That makes sense." Sonic said.

"They have less sex after being exposed to **world peace**."

"No such thing." Shadow grumbled.

"They have less sex after being exposed to **praying the gay away**."

"Let me guess, this study was being conducted by Evangelical Christians?" Shadow asked.

"They have less sex after being exposed to **crippling debt**."

"Yeah, cause now they don't have money to hire prostitutes." Knuckles commented.

"They have less sex after being exposed to **police brutality**. They have less sex after being exposed to **Omochao talking dirty**."

"I know I'd have less sex after being exposed to that." Rouge expressed.

"Well, then it wins."

"Mine!" Sonic called.

Amy drew another question. " **What did Vector eat for dinner?** "

White cards were placed down.

" **The biolizard**."

"The giant mutant lizard- thing?" Knuckles asked.

"If it gets the ugly remains of that thing off the Ark without my having to do it or pay for it, then I say let him." Shadow said tersely.

" **A falcon with a cap on its head**. **Centaurs**. **Crystal meth**."

"Guys, I think Vector needs some help." Silver said.

" **The Black Arms**."

"Vector seems to be making a habit of eating things killed by Shadow." Eggman observed.

" **Cream and Cheese**."

"So does that mean regular cream and cheese or…" Sonic trailed off. "You know what? It's definitely regular cream and cheese. Definitely."

"Yeah, definitely." Amy agreed. " **Cream and Cheese** wins."

"One step closer to victory." Eggman smiled confidently.

 **Current Score**

 **Sonic: 10**

 **Knuckles: 11**

 **Rouge: 13**

 **Shadow: 13**

 **Silver: 14**

 **Eggman: 16**

 **Amy: 14**


	14. Chapter 14

Cards Against Mobians

" **Introducing Extreme Racing! It's like racing but with _!** "

Everyone gave their answers to Sonic.

"It's like racing but with **not wearing pants!** " How is that different?"

"One of the racers is Eggman." Knuckles pointed out.

"It's like racing but with **being cryogenically frozen for 50 years!** That sounds like an awfully long and boring to watch race. It's like racing but with **dropping a chandelier on your enemies and riding the rope up!** It's like racing but with **giving birth to the Antichrist!** "

"That is rather extreme." Silver remarked.

"It's like racing but with **a thermonuclear detonation!** "

"They're racing with bombs strapped to them and if they don't cross the finish line in time, the bomb goes off. I like it." Shadow mused.

"It's like racing but with **finger painting!** "

"Finger painting while racing would be pretty difficult." Amy commented.

"I gotta give it to **a thermonuclear detonation**." Sonic decided.

"And I continue to win!" Eggman gloated.

"How has he been winning so much lately?" Rouge asked.

"Well you're the ones who keep picking my cards, so you tell me."

Knuckles took his turn as judge, determined to not give Eggman another win. " **_. That was so metal**."

Shadow quickly slapped down a card and looked satisfied with himself.

" **Fingering. That was so metal.** **Punching a congressman in the face**. **That was so metal**. **Overpowering your father. That was so metal**."

Shadow nodded. "It was."

" **Using a formula one racecar to chase hedgehogs**. **That was so metal.** "

"That was pretty metal." Sonic commented.

" **Standing on the wings of a biplane. That was so metal.** "

"That was metal too." Sonic grinned.

" **Metal Sonic**. **That was so metal.** "

"Can't really get more metal than that." Amy opined.

Knuckles nodded. "I agree. This wins."

"And there's the end of your win-streak, Eggman." Shadow said triumphantly.

Rouge drew the next card. " **I get by with a little help from _.** "

Everyone chose an answer.

" **I get by with a little help from destroying the evidence.** "

"That is very true." Knuckles said empathically.

"You can't prove that." Rouge shot back. " **I get by with a little help from bounce pads.** "

"Bounce pads are helpful!" Sonic exclaimed. "There are so many high cliffs and a big gaps that I wouldn't be able traverse without them."

"Yeah, but here's the thing. I have _wings_." Rouge counted. "Bounce pads are not that helpful to me. Anyway, **I get by with a little help from the female orgasm.** "

Everyone at the table considered making a joke, then decided that there had been enough fighting already.

" **I get by with a little help from a bag of magic beans.** "

"That sounds like a euphemism for drugs." Silver observed.

"Well you would know. You're the pothead here." Rouge sniped.

"IT'S NOT A POT LEAF!"

" **I get by with a little help from a Chaos Emerald.** Somebody knows me so well. **I get by with a little help from a middle-aged man on roller skates.** Oh, this one's good too! How to decide…"

Shadow rolled his eyes. "Rouge, we already know you're going to pick the Chaos Emerald."

"Well… yeah. Chaos Emerald wins."

"Finally, a win!" Sonic exclaimed.

Shadow read the next question. " **In a world ravaged by _, our only solace is _.** "

Everyone picked an answer from their hand.

" **In a world ravaged by having big dreams but no realistic way to achieve them, our only solace is giving 110%**."

Sonic put a hand over his heart. "That is so inspirational, Shadow."

Shadow rolled his eyes and moved on. " **In a world ravaged by an ugly face, our only solace is hot people.** **In a world ravaged by Iblis, our only solace is being fabulous.** "

"That must be why Silver has such fabulous chest fluff." Rouge said.

Silver started to swell with pleasure until Shadow said, "Must not be fabulous enough if you couldn't stop him. Anyway, **In a world ravaged by specism, our only solace is passive-aggressive Post-it notes.** **In a world ravaged by an I.Q. of 300, our only solace is the Freedom Fighters.** "

Sonic grinned. "Ooh, that's a good one!"

"I'm pretty sure you read those cards in the wrong order." Eggman grumbled.

" **In a world ravaged by Eggman's body odor, our only solace is mobians.** "

Eggman scowled. "Seriously?"

" **The Freedom Fighters** and **an I.Q. of 300**." Shadow decided.

"Yes!" Knuckles cheered.

Silver picked the next question. " **When all else fails, I can always masturbate to _**."

"Silver, we don't want to know what else you masturbate to. We've already heard too much of that." Shadow growled.

Already blushing, Silver started reading. "I can always masturbate to **Super Sonic**."

"What? No! Don't masturbate to me!" Sonic shouted.

Silver groaned and moved on. "I can always masturbate to **Shadow's inhibitor rings**."

"Just the rings? Not Shadow himself?" Rouge questioned.

"Silver, switch seats with Eggman." Shadow ordered.

"You'd rather sit next to Eggman?" Silver gasped.

"Somehow, yes."

"I can always masturbate to **my ex-wife**."

"Wow, Silver. That is unbelievably sad." Sonic said.

"I can always masturbate to **Stockholm Syndrome**."

"Stockholm Syndrome? Is that why you masturbate to Eggman?" Knuckles asked.

Silver buried his face in his hands.

"Come on, you've only got two more cards." Amy encouraged.

"I can always masturbate to **the screams… the terrible screams**."

"That's awfully sadistic." Rouge commented.

"I can always masturbate to…" Silver paused. "Nope. Just nope."

"Read it." Sonic insisted.

"Nope, I am not doing this."

"Read the damn card, Silver!" Shadow yelled.

"Come on, Silver. It can't be worse than what we've already heard." Amy cajoled.

"Okay, fine! I can always masturbate to… **pedophiles**."

"Okay so I was wrong." Amy admitted.

"You're definitely moving seats now." Shadow insisted.

Silver quietly slid underneath the table.

"Silver, I know you're dying of embarrassment down there, but who wins?" Sonic asked.

" **My ex-wife**." Silver mumbled.

"Cool, thanks Silver!" Sonic took the card.

Eggman took his turn as judge. " **Uh, hey guys, I know this was my idea, but I'm having serious doubts about _.** "

"Eggman's finally starting to come to his senses! Hooray!" Sonic cheered.

Silver's hand popped out from under the table to deliver his card before retreating again.

"I'm having serious doubts about **getting crushed by a vending machine**. Why would you think that's a good idea in the first place?"

"No, it's a good idea. You should totally do it." Knuckles suggested.

"I'm having serious doubts about **being on fire**."

"You should try that too."

"I'm having serious doubts about **science**. What is there to doubt about science? Science is the best tool we have for determining what's true! I'm having serious doubts about **being a motherfucking sorcerer.** "

"Yeah, Eggman, I don't think you're going to be a mother fucking sorcerer either." Sonic agreed. "Just a regular sorcerer."

"I'm having serious doubts about **my soul**."

"We all doubt that you have a soul." Shadow stated.

"I'm having serious doubts about **blowing up half the moon**."

"I think it's a little late to be having doubts about that." Rouge pointed out.

" **Being a motherfucking sorcerer** wins." Eggman announced.

"That's mine!" Rouge declared.

Amy grabbed the next card. " **Fun tip! When your man asks you to go down on him, try surprising him with _ instead.** "

"No man has ever asked you to go down on him." Shadow harshly pointed out.

"What!?" Amy tried to kick him under the table but hit Silver instead. "Sorry, forgot you were still down there."

Silver crawled out from under the table hold the side of his face. "It suddenly feels safer up here."

She started reading the answers. "Try surprising him with **half-assed foreplay**."

"Surprise him by disappointing him." Knuckles surmised.

"Try surprising with **a good sniff**."

"Well, as long as they're not half-assing it." Sonic shrugged.

"Try surprising him with **a bitch slap**."

"That's the response Eggman always gets." Sonic said.

"But then it stops being a surprise." Rouge countered.

"Try surprising him with **the inevitable heat death of the universe**."

"Now that would be quite the surprise." Rouge said.

"Try surprising him with **crucifixion**."

"I want to say that no one would ever be into that, but I'm pretty sure there's someone who is." Shadow remarked.

"Try surprising him with **pingas**."

"Why does that exist?" Eggman groaned.

"Because of you, remember?" Sonic reminded him.

"I pick **a bitch slap**." Amy decided.

"That's mine!" Sonic exclaimed.

Amy handed him the card, and then bitch slapped him.

 **Current Score**

 **Sonic: 13**

 **Knuckles: 12**

 **Rouge: 14**

 **Shadow: 14**

 **Silver: 14**

 **Eggman: 17**

 **Amy: 14**


	15. Chapter 15

Cards Against Mobians

" **Introducing the amazing superhero/sidekick duo! It's _ and _!** " Sonic read.

Answers were submitted.

"It's **a bloody pacifier** and **a salty surprise!** It's **anal beads** and **a ball of earwax, semen, and toenail clippings!** That's not a duo, that's a list of things you can find on Eggman's bathroom floor. It's **the Chaotix** and **just the tip!** "

"I didn't know the Chaotix were recruiting new members." Amy said.

"They aren't. They're just recruiting tips." Rouge corrected.

"It's **the terrorists** and **fear itself!** "

"Are you sure these guys are the heroes?" Silver asked.

"It's **the Iblis trigger** and **the Devil himself!** "

"Again, are you sure we're talking about heroes?"

It's **clenched butt cheeks** and **inserting a Mason jar into my anus!** " Sonic mulled over the options for a moment. "Well, since the Chaotix are actual good guys, I pick them."

Knuckles took the card and drew the next one. " **How can Amy sense Sonic?** "

Sonic looked nervously at Amy. "You can't actually sense me, right?"

Amy just grinned and chose a card.

"Right?"

" **Sniffing glue.** "

"So she figures out where you are by snorting glue." Shadow deadpanned.

" **Blast processing**. **Ominous background music**."

"I'll make a mental note to run next time I hear ominous background music."

" **Exactly what you'd expect**."

"I don't know what to expect." Sonic said.

" **Snooping**."

"Yeah, that seems right." Rouge nodded.

" **Raptor attacks**."

"Raptors are excellent hunters." Silver remarked.

"I'll give it to **exactly what you'd expect**." Knuckles gave the card to Shadow.

Rouge became judge. " **TSA guidelines now prohibit _ on airplanes**."

Every handed over a white card.

" **TSA guidelines now prohibit selling crack to children on airplanes**."

"Isn't that already illegal?" Knuckles asked.

" **TSA guidelines now prohibit poor people on airplanes**."

"That explains why airplane tickets can be so expensive." Amy mused.

" **TSA guidelines now prohibit the Tornado on airplanes**."

"I guess having an airplane on an airplane is just too redundant for them." Sonic said.

" **TSA guidelines now prohibit doin' it in the butt on airplanes.** But doing it in the front is still okay, right?" Rouge joked. " **TSA guidelines now prohibit having no idea what's going on on airplanes**."

"Now if anyone has any questions, get off the plane now." Sonic said in a mock stern voice.

" **TSA guidelines now prohibit the morbidly obese on airplanes**."

"Eggman, get off the plane." Shadow snapped

"I'll have you know I've lost weight recently!"

Shadow looked skeptical. "Suuuure you have."

"I want to ban Eggman from airplanes, so **the morbidly obese** wins."

"That's mine!" Amy celebrated.

Shadow pick the next card. " **And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it hadn't been for _!** "

"Gotten away with what?" Silver asked.

"You don't need to know." Shadow replied. "I would have gotten away with it if it hadn't been for **penis envy**!"

"What, did you get jealous of Sonic's penis?" Rouge teased.

"No, he got jealous of mine. I would have gotten away with it if it hadn't been for **Robocop**!"

"Good old Robocop, saving the day again." Sonic said.

"I would have gotten away with it if it hadn't been for **hiccups**!"

There was giggling as everyone pictured Shadow with the hiccups.

"I would have gotten away with it if it hadn't been for **cuddling**!"

They giggled harder.

"I would have gotten away with it if it hadn't been for **Sudden Poop Explosion Disease**!"

"Oh, we've all been there!" Sonic laughed.

"I would have gotten away with it if it hadn't been for **pooping back and forth. Forever**!"

"Shadow, I think you might want to see a doctor about that." Silver suggested.

Shadow was thoroughly annoyed by now.

Sonic noticed. "Quick! Let's cuddle him before he murders somebody!"

"I vote we call Robocop instead." Silver said timidly.

" **Robocop** wins, let's move on." Shadow growled.

"Oh, that's mine!" Silver took the black card and drew another. " **I'm going on a cleanse this week. Nothing but kale juice and _**."

"Don't do it, Silver. It's not worth it." Rouge warned.

"Nothing but kale juice and **edible underpants**."

"Are you sure those underpants are edible?" Knuckles asked.

"Nothing but kale juice and **soup that is too hot**."

"You know, letting it cool down is an option." Amy pointed out.

"Nothing but kale juice and **rings.** Nothing but kale juice and **air bubbles**."

"Well, there's nothing healthier than air." Sonic remarked.

"Nothing but kale juice and **yeast**. Nothing but kale juice and **an oversized lollipop**."

"Because everyone knows those are healthy." Shadow said sarcastically.

" **Air bubbles**." Silver decided.

"Haha! Gimme!" Eggman snatched the card and drew the next.

"Damnit, Silver! Eggman already has enough cards!" Shadow snapped.

"Well his answer was better than all of yours!"

"Excuse me! I'm judge now!" Once Eggman had everyone's attention, he read the question. " **This is the way the world ends. This is the way the world ends. Not with a bang, but with _.** "

"No, it ends with a demon setting everything on fire." Silver corrected.

"This is the way the world ends. Not with a bang, but with **the violation of our most basic human rights**."

"That's what a whiny bitch on the internet would consider the end of the world." Shadow grumbled.

"This is the way the world ends. Not with a bang, but with **spectacular abs**. This is the way the world ends. Not with a bang, but with **powerful thighs**."

"Well we don't have to worry about Eggman ending the world. He doesn't have either of those things!" Sonic teased.

"This is the way the world ends. Not with a bang, but with **fabricating statistics**. This is the way the world ends. Not with a bang, but with **sunshine and rainbows**."

"Wow, the end of world sounds so delightful!" Rouge exclaimed.

"This is the way the world ends. Not with a bang, but with- ugggh." Eggman groaned. " **My vagina**."

The table burst into laughter.

"I pick **fabricating statistics**." Eggman muttered.

"I win!" cried Amy, then took her turn as judge. " **_+_=_** "

Everyone put forward their best combinations.

" **Sanding off a man's nose + Chunks off dead hitchhiker = The world being in danger. Again.** "

"Those are pretty good signs that the world is in danger again." Knuckles commented.

" **The boners of the elderly + Jerking off into a pool of children's tears = Spontaneous human combustion.** **Emotions + Drinking alone = The worst pain imaginable. Times two!** Aw, that's sad." Amy said. **Genetically engineered** **super soldiers + A murder most foul = Leveling up.** "

"Well, that is how RPGs work." Silver pointed out.

" **Crumbs all over the god damn carpet + Making a pouty face = Getting so angry you pop a boner.** **Ripping into a man's chest and pulling out his still-beating heart + Sweet, sweet vengeance = That's no good!** "

"I don't know, that sounds pretty good to me." Shadow disagreed.

"I pick the super soldiers that level up by murdering people." Amy decided and gave the card to Sonic.

 **Current Score**

 **Sonic: 14**

 **Knuckles: 13**

 **Rouge: 14**

 **Shadow: 15**

 **Silver: 15**

 **Eggman: 18**

 **Amy: 16**


	16. Chapter 16

Cards Against Mobians

There were only four black cards left. And Eggman had the most.

"Okay guys, I think need to be a bit more careful about which card we pick as the winner." Sonic said.

"It's almost like gambling with the Chaos Emeralds was a BAD IDEA!" Shadow snarled.

Sonic just got on with read the question. **"_. Betcha can't have just one!** "

Everyone carefully picked an answer. " **An icepick lobotomy. Betcha can't have just one!** **Hot pockets. Betcha can't have just one!** "

"They are delicious." Silver commented.

" **Extreme gear. Betcha can't have just one! Genuine human connection. Betcha can't have just one!** "

"Sometimes one is too many." Eggman grumbled.

" **Free samples. Betcha can't have just one!** "

"Can't say not to free!" Rouge agreed.

" **Heartwarming orphans. Betcha can't have just one!** " Sonic looked over the answers, trying to guess who had played what. " **Icepick lobotomy** wins!"

"Yay!" Amy cheered and Sonic breathed a sigh of relief.

Knuckles drew the next card. " **Why am I sticky?** "

Again, answers were chosen carefully.

" **Alcoholism**."

"Acknowledging you have a problem is the first step to recovery." Sonic said reassuringly.

" **Gogurt**."

"Knuckles, stop making a mess with your Gogurt." Amy scolded.

" **The pirate's life**. **Not wearing pants**. **Consensual sex**."

"Well, as long as it's consensual…" Sonic gave Knuckles a thumps-up.

"…Thanks." Knuckles said flatly. "Anyway, **dead**... **parents**..."

The rest of the table went silent.

"…Sorry Knuckles." Amy mumbled.

Knuckles was about to start yelling, but then he realized that Amy had confirmed which card was hers. " **Dead parents** wins."

Amy perked up. "Really?"

"Yeah, take the card."

"Wait a second!" Eggman shouted. "You only picked hers because you knew it wasn't mine!"

"You can't prove that!" Knuckles protested.

"Yeah, Knuckles is way too stupid to pick up on a clue like that." Rouge stated.

Knuckles glared. "Hey!"

Rouge ignored him and drew the next card. " **What did Shadow promise Maria?** "

Everyone awkwardly glanced at Shadow.

"Let's just get this over with." Was all he had to say.

Silver was stuck between two options, but eventually made his decision.

" **Mutually assured destruction**."

Everyone awkwardly stared at Shadow until he said through gritted teeth, "Just move on."

" **Pretending to care**."

"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that."

" **This year's mass shooting**."

"I don't think there's been a mass shooting this year. _Yet_." Shadow patted his rifle.

" **Some god damn peace and quiet**. **Moral ambiguity**."

"Well Shadow, I think I can safely say you're nailing that one." Sonic remarked.

" **Doing the right thing**. See, Shadow? Someone got the right answer. This one wins."

"My victory is all but assured." Eggman gloated.

"There's still one card left, Egghead!" Sonic pointed out.

"Like that'll make a difference."

"Shadow, it's all on you. Whatever you do, pick Amy's card!" Sonic called.

At this point, Shadow just wanted the game to end. He picked up the final card. "Fuck."

"What's it say?" Silver asked.

" **Shadow has a secret crush on _**."

Sonic couldn't help but let out a snort. Shadow's glare snapped over to him. Everyone handed in their cards, except for Amy who was taking a while.

"Just give me a damn card already."

"Okay!" She squeaked.

"I have a secret crush on **Bees?** "

"So, do you have a crush on bees or not?" Sonic asked.

"I have a secret crush on **Santa Claus**."

"Isn't he married?" Knuckles recalled.

"I have a secret crush on **Mephilis**. No. No, I don't. I have a secret crush on **Crush 40**."

"They are pretty awesome." Silver remarked.

"I have a secret crush on… **the little engine that could**. I have a secret crush on **Rouge**."

"I hate to tell you this Shadow, but it's not that much of a secret." Rouge said.

" **The little engine that could** wins."

Rouge shrugged "Fine, fine. Deny all you want."

"This means Eggman and Amy are tied!" Sonic exclaimed.

Eggman stood up. "This is ridiculous! We're only tied because she cheated!"

"You can't prove that." Amy calmly stated.

"Oh yeah? Well-" Eggman thrust his arm forward to shove his finger in Amy's face when a card flew out of his sleeve.

"What's that card doing in your sleeve?" Rouge questioned.

"Uh… I don't know."

"Hey Silver, why don't you see what other cards are in his sleeves?" Rouge suggested.

Silver used his powers to shake Eggman down. About two dozen white cards fluttered to the floor.

"I thought the deck looked a bit smaller." Sonic remarked.

"That explains his winning streak." Shadow spat.

Sonic raised his hand. "I move that Eggman be disqualified for cheating."

"Seconded." Said Knuckles.

Everyone else raised their hands.

"Goodbye Eggman!" Sonic waved.

Eggman angerly stormed off, grumbling to himself.

"Well, I guess that makes Amy-"

"Hold it!" Shadow cut Sonic off. "Amy disqualified for cheating too. And I _can_ prove it." He held up **the little engine that could** card, showing everybody where it had 'pick me!' written on it in pen.

Eyes shot over to Amy.

"Well I couldn't let Eggman win! And besides, he was cheating too!"

"But you didn't find out Eggman was cheating until after the fact. As far as you knew, he was about to win fair and square." Shadow pointed out. "Let's put it to a vote. Who's in favor of disqualifying Amy for cheating?" Shadow raised his hand.

Rouge, Knuckles, and Silver also raised their hands.

"Aw, man!"

Everyone counted their cards and realized it was a tie between Shadow and Silver.

"So what's the tie breaker?" Silver asked.

"This is." Shadow pointed his assault rifle at Silver.

"…I see your point. You win."

"Good choice." Shadow claimed the Chaos Emeralds.

"Well, now that that's over I need to go find Tails."

Sonic left the dining car and went searching. He him in the next car with Cream, Charmy, and Marine. They were all giggling.

"Hey guys, what are you doing?"

"Playing Cards Against Mobians." Tails replied.

Sonic was flabbergasted. "Wait, what? How? Where'd you even get your own deck?"

"You're not the only one who gets fanmail."

Sonic sighed. "I'm sorry I didn't let you play with us."

"It's alright, Sonic. Considering what some of these cards say, it's probably better that I didn't play with Shadow."

"Yeah, it got really intense in there at points. Aright, well you guys have fun."

Charmy, who acting as judge said, "Alright, **Sonic's guilty pleasure is Elise making out with your corpse."**

"I WAS NOT INTO THAT!"

 **Final Score**

 **Sonic: 14**

 **Knuckles: 13**

 **Rouge: 14**

 **Shadow: 15**

 **Silver: Forced to give up at gun point**

 **Eggman: DQ**

 **Amy: DQ**

 **Thank you all for reading. This one was a lot of fun to work on. I'm thinking about doing this with some other franchises, especially Star Wars, as I found out recently that a Star Wars themed deck exists so I don't have to make one myself. But for right now, I've got another story to work on so it'll be a while before I do anymore stories like this.**


End file.
